i am drinking again tonite..not much...just some baileys...but...it's making me think. because i have had several drinks each nite for the past week..which is more than i would probably consume in a year...i'm wondering if it's becoming some what of a habit.

but anyway..moving on..

i spoke to sam this morning...fessed up about my litle white lie and told her i was actully going to sydney with alison. i had originally told her i was just going by myself to get away. but then the guilt started getting at me and i knew i had to fess up about it. not my wisest move..but at least i'm not beginning a friendship with her on lies..

we chatted some more throughout the afternoon (after she got over her alison-induced crankyness)..and i told her that i really had hoped that her and i could have built a nice little life together..forever...just the two of us. but that as much as i want that to happen, i can't see it getting there if things stay the way they are.
sam has issues..(we both do)..and unless they are worked on and resolved, sam and i will never be able to settle into domestic bliss. she told me she'd like that too..but at the moment she's fucked up and can't promise me anything...which is pretty much the answer that i was expecting.

tonite, a friend asked me how sam and i were going..and had a bit of a laugh when i said we'd broken up again.
why do people laugh at me when i tell them someone as sad and serious as breaing up with the grrl..??
anyway..after her little laugh, my evilly optimistic mate told me to get over myself, because
*cuts and pastes* "you and sam are forever...and you know it"..
i used to think i knew that..but god i wish it was true..

i know..i said i was never going back..but fuck...that doesn't stop me from thinking of and dreaming about everything i had hoped for sam and i...i started telling her about what i was thinking today...but there's so much in my head, that even after almost 3 years i'm terrified that she'll feel so overwhelmed that it'll scare her off..
but basically..i want the whole fucking fairytale, ya know? (ok..the lesbo version)...i want the lil woman (that would be sam)..the house...the picket fence...maybe even the kids..matching her and hers cars..even some matching towels...i want to be able to come home to her every single night...to crawl into bed at the end of a long day and just curl up besides her..even if we don't talk..but to just know she's here..i'd like to be able to rearrange our furniture in our house while she's at work..if for no other reason than to confuse her...i want us to be able to cook for each other..to cook together...i want to clean up her mess...i want to be able to chase her around the house, and wrestle her to the ground...i wanna play..i wanna laugh...i wanna have fun.
a few days ago i thought i just wanted that stuff..with anyone that was willing to share it with me...but i know deep down that it wouldn't feel right with anyone but sam..
she is a part of me..

but then sometimes i think i want too bloody much..that what i ask is proposterous..because there's no way we can live together..because i am just starting out my career...and she is content with hers...if this year wasn't my grad year, i'd uproot to be anywhere with her..i would...but i can't. this is the year that i've worked so hard to make it to. and while i dont believe that our jobs are more important than our partners, i do have to be realistic - because if i give up this early in my career, what hope will i have later on.

i know it was unfair of me to ask her to uproot and move..so that we could start building a life together somewhere else...but when i asked i knew there was no other option. because i dont think i could stand another year of long-distance bullshit...
in fact..i know i can't..

i just want so much..and i seem to want it now..

i am trying to be patient...i really am... but it's hard. I wish it would happen faster.



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