this is prolly the last entry for a few days...because undoubtedly she will kill my internet connection as soon as she has a chance to...it's some stupid power thing with her..

so she finally sms'd me. she was more interested in the fact that i had gone to her house whil she wasn't there than anything else. she told me i should "respect" her wishes..
so i told her she was a hypocrit. afterall, why should i give a rat-ass about her wishes, when she doesn't give a fuck about mine..
she told me if i called her a hypocrite one more time, she'd never speak to me again..
and i actually had the word typed out in big capitals before changing my mind. yeah, sometimes even i back down *L*...but i should have sent it to show her i don't cae and am not worried about her childish threats.. maybe it's best if she does have an excuse to not talk to me..because i know what i'm like...i will always go back and try and keep the peace. it's who i am. but if she hates me then chances of any kinda reconciliation are limited..

i don't feel sad about it tho...just that same feeling of disappointment. like she truely doesn't give a fuck about me.
i don't disbelieve that she loves me...but i don't think she cares about my feelings..

it doesn't matter now though...i have my stuff back here...and i'm starting a new life in sale in 2004 - so this is probably for the best. because i tell ya, there was no way in hell that i would be able to keep up the long distance thing..especially not when i was going to have the added stress of 10shifts a fortnite to do..that would just kill me.
And it's not like she'd ever consider moving down here so we could live together. so really, the only sensible option was to finish it.

i think single life would be good for me, though..because i seem to lose myself in relationships...especially with sam. because i honestly don't think that sam likes the *real* me..the smart-ass, lil, fool me...the one she always irritatingly refers to as *blase* and *aloof*...so i have always had a leash on that (big) part of myself...which ironically, is one of ths sides of me that all my closest mates like best...

but yeah...
enough of that..

linda told me last nite that i need to make 2 lists - one of what i do want out of a relatinship...and one with what i don't want..
it's not that there's a great heap of stuff i am not going to settle for not getting..but rather, there are only few things that i will not tolerate..
i just want someone that respects and appreciates me. someone that doesn't take me for granted..
i think that's pretty simple..

anyway...
this topic is getting old..



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