i know i said i wasn't going to talk about her any more..

but i'm fucking furious and i need to vent in a way that doesn't involve driving down to melbourne and slamming her fucking self-centered head into a hard wall..

i have tried really hard for a long time not to get overly nasty in my descriptions on her...but she's the most self-centered and self-involved cunt that i have ever known...and i have no idea why, time after time, i've gone back.
sure, i love her...
but there has got to be more to it than that...

ok...

who am i trying to kid...
i'm fucking miserable..
siting here crying like a child..
but the problem is i am equally as miserable with her as i am without her...
sure, we have our good runs...but they never last...it's like i said yesterday - "3 steps forward...10 steps back"...

and i hate that i've wasted so much time on her...i've always been patient and tolerant...hoping that things would be good in the end...but she's a lost cause...
which is a pity...cuz when she's god she's very very good...but when she's bad she's awful..

yesterday i felt so strong and empowered...like i was making the best decision ever by walking away...and while my feelings on my decision haven't changed - i'm not feeling so strong and empowered anymore..
because it's really hurting to know that she doesn't care enough to change any of the bad stuff i order to make it good..
it hurts to know that she would rather walk away (or in this case, let me walk away) than actually have to put some effort in and try...

i know i'm not perfect..and i leave chewed up chewing gum all around the house and on the furniture..(well..just on my bedside table)..and i'm not working so i dont contribute to bills and stuff as much as she does..
but fuck me, there's not a thing in this world that i wouldn't do for her...not a damn thing...and what do i get in return?
nothing..
nada..
Zilch...

i shouldn't have gone baclk after the last time i left...fuck...i probably shouldn't have gone back after the first time i left...
i was ready to leave that last time..i was ready and i was over it and it was all good..
but now it's not like that..



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