so she read my online diary...instead of asking me what i'm thinking or feeling..she took a sneak peek in here and delved into my thoughts..

she is saddened...but so am i...

saddened that she will email me within minutes of finding something she doesn't like in my diary...but will take days (if not longer) to respond to great, long, sentimental and heart-felt emails where i try to tell her how i am feeling or where i ask her how she's feeling..
and now...i've replied...and i'm guessing that she is either working hard or ignoring me because i have hurt her feelings...which wasn't my aim...but she learn't long ago that if she read my diary then she was bound to find stuff that she wouldn't like.
i do not edit these words for her..
or for anyone..
so yeah..

so she not only replied but she came online..which typically, turned into yet another shit fight...which i guess was expected...because she always assumes the worst and makes things bad gives up and starts freaking out and swearing and telling me it's all over and all that shit...so yeah...it's bad again i guess..
but at least bad is better than not knowing at all where i stand...which is how i feel so often with her...because as much as i sit and wait and be patient for her to wait to tell me it's all ok again, she doesn't ever seem to want to let me in...and it's as if i'm just killing time..or wasting my time...either one...and i dont want that...
i dunno...maybe i've become so used to the thought of *being* with sam that that's why i seem to want it so much..maybe there is more out there..
oh god..i'm being melodramatic again..
but yeah..
at least i got to tell her that i was a lil upset that she wasn't going to come to my graduation..and her reply was "oh well if your mother is going to be there i dont wanna come"...which was kinda a good reply...because it just helps cement that 'fuck this is never gonna work' feeling that i have...
i think this is a really good thing because we both do need to quit while we're ahead and just be friends...afterall, we've really been nothing but friends for so long now...and this is just the same but now we can both move on from each other (if we haven't already anyway)

so yeah..

my day at work today sucked ass...which i kinda thought it would cuz 2 good days in a row would just be too much to hope for...but we had student div2 nurses in today and i got to have one help me out which was great..definately made my work load easier...and she was friendly and chatty and that always brightens my day...
i'm just glad that i have the next few days off...
i was going to go to visit sam but i guess that's out of the question now...i still feel tempted to...but honestly, i dont want to be the one to go and make any more effort..i'm always making effort...and i'm sick of it cuz i get nothing out of it..i just want whatever we have..whether it be friendship or relationship...to go both ways...
so i think instead i might go to wodonga and visit some friends...besides, it'll give me a great chance to take my new car on a long run...and it'll also have the added bonus of allowing me to clear my head..

i know i've said it a million times before...but i really do need to deconsaminate myself...
i've been holding on to this for way too long now...and maybe my friends are right and it's destructive and it's going to do my head in...and i dont want that to happen to me...
sam has issues bigger than us both...and for a while i was disillusioned and thinking that love could make anything right...

but yeah..

i'm sick of sam talk..
it's like being stuck in a revolving door that never gets me anywhere..

anyway...*sniff sniff* i smell food..

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