well my morning shift at the oldies home wasn't as bad as i had been building it up to be...i mean...for the last few days, i've been absolutely dreading it and thinking of ways to get out of it (but i've already used the old "i've got gastro" line once this month..heh) but being a public holiday today, i didn't really wanna give up $34 an hour...so i decided to just grin and bear it...but it turned out to be a pretty ok shift...which was a most unexpected, but definately welcomed change...
(now if only tomorrow's morning shift is like that..*crosses fingers*)

coming home tonite was a nitemare, though...being the end of the long weekend and all...there were cars everywhere...and for the entire 76kilometres of my trip home, my lovely new car's speed did not exceed 85k.p.h..grrrr...which was a bit disappointing...cuz i love zoomin down that road and unwinding..

mum and rob went to melb for the long weekend...and it's been lovely having the house to myself to sleep in and walk around naked and do whatever i want when i want to do it without any kind of annoying interruption...but lately, i just can't help but think that i really miss having someone (as in a partner) to come home to...or someone to wait to come home for...like i used to with sam..
i really want someone in my life..not some part time thing...but someone that will be there at the end of my day...or besides me in the morning...someone to sit up in bed and read with...or to talk with about our long-ass days or boring meetings...someone to debrief and unwind with...
i dunno..
for so long i have thought that that someone was sam..really..and there is a big part of my heart that wants to hold on to that...but the other, more practical side of me is not so sure..

i asked sam before if she had plans for the 20th of this month..granted..i haven't given her much notice cuz it's less than a fortnite away..but i thought i'd try....anyway, it would seem that she does have some unchangable plane..to go out to some nite club with her friends...as fate would have it, it's also the same nite of my graduation, which is why i asked her what she was doing...and she doesn't really want to change her plans...which is ok and understandable and i prolly wouldn't want to change my plans either (ok...so i'm kidding myself with that one)...but i just thought with us trying to see how things went and stuff..and us having been together throughout most of my uni days...i thought she would want to be there...or even feel it'd be nice to celebrate with me...but yeah...i guess maybe she doesn't find things as important (or even sentimental) as i do..
but i'm not angry or hurt or pissed or anything like that...
just..
i dunno..
maybe i'm just slowly getting used to the fact that it's never going to work between her and i...and that no matter what we want with or for each other, something will always get in the way...or be the same again..
she seems to have a new life now, which is good...we both do...she has her new friends and i have my new job(s) and i'm loving where i'm at and i guess she's loving where she's at so yeah...
it's funny...i really dont feel upset or sad or anything...just really wanting to live my life and accept anything that gets thrown at me...and if one of those things is *Sam*..then that'll be nice...but if it isn't...i dont imagine i'd be totally crushed.
at least not anymore...not like i would have been a few weeks ago..
i do love her..
and i do enjoy spending time with her...i really do...i loved our last weekend together...it was nice..
but really...truthfully and honestly...i want more than nice...
she always told me i wanted more than she was able to give..and i used to tell us both that she was being silly...that i just wanted her and would take anything else that came with that..
but now..
i dunno..
i want a relatinship...i want to throw myself at someone and be theirs..completely..and have them be mine...i want to have someone to yell "honey, i'm home" to..and have them be as excited to see me as i am to see them...i used to want all that with sam..
now i just want it
maybe i do want too much..
maybe i don't..
right now i'm not too sure about anything..
other than i just want to share my life..my love..my accomplishments with someone..does that sound disgustingly desperate??

good..

because it's totally true..



0 comment so far..