so i've had a glass or three of red in the last 20minutes..and i'm feeling a little bit better than how i was before..but only marginally..

everything is just getting to me at the moment..especially the whole "my relationship has fallen in the shit and died" thing... sam and i have fought so much recently..that i dont think it could change back to how it was even if we both wanted to..which is very fucked..
very fucked, indeed..
she has no idea at all how much i want to be with her and grow old with her..but i guess i have no idea what it's like in her head, either..
she told me she went to see her doc today because she's feeling "mental"..and while i'm glad she did that...i'm fucking pissed (and may require a few more bottles of red) off that she will go and get help AFTER it all rolls over and dies...but..i guess it's not my concern anymore..
she messaged me yesterday apologising for us not being able to be "blissfully happy together"..and while i believe she is upset about that...i wish there was a little more she could actually *do* about it...than just apologise...but she tells me she doesn't have the energy...so i guess this is how it'll stay.

last nite..when i got home from work...linda was at the front door waiting for me...
it was bizarre..
i was so tired and cranky and all that..but god it was nice to have someone waiting at the door for me when i got home...i wish it had have been sam..but linda is an equally awsome substitute..
when i walked in the door..she followed me to my room and opened her arms for a hug...i didn't hug her back at first...instead opting to just stand there and enjoy it...but when she commented on my seeming disinterest i grabbed her almost as hard as i could without snapping her in half...and hugged her right back.
i think the hug went on a little longer than what is acceptable between friends..but..god...i just didn't want to let go..
i can't explain how beautiful it was to hug someone like that..because after all the shit i've been feeling lately...it was a pretty awsome change..

now if only it had have been sam..

anyway..the alcohol-induced bliss is starting to wear off...i need to go in search for soemthing else to drink..



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