if she wants to let sickness take a hold of and consume her...then she can damned well do it alone.

i know she is sick..
i've known that since the first nite we went out..
she was honest..and open...and probably terrified that it'd scare me away..
but it didn't...because i was falling in love with her...and that was just a part of her..

and over the last 26months there have been little bouts that we've both had to deal with...she's dealt with it internally...and i've dealt with the fallout..the sadness...the mood swings..the whole kit-and-kaboodle..
because, as a couple - you do these things..

the last time she was like this was when she dumped me and i fucked around...because she made it quite clear that there was no room for me in her life...that she couldn't keep her head above water if she had to help keep me afloat, too..which i found incredibly selfish..but hey, how do you contend with "i dont want you in my life anymore"...so i went...i fucked around...and we got back together. because a little part of her must have wanted to try again...
this time is similar to that time...except this time i'm not so keen on taking all the guilt.
she has no desire whatsoever to do anything but sit in her little box and let the world get the better of her..she wants to curl up in a ball and just die..
well she can..
and i'm not going to let her drag me down too..

before she emailed me saying she was "going to come down here today...but".... but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but butbut but but but but but but but but but but but but but but butbut but but but but but but but but but but but but but but butbut but but but but but but but but but but but but but but butbut but but but but but but but but but but but but but but butbut but but but but but but but but but but but but but but butbut but but but but but but but but but but but but but but butbut but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but...

there are ALWAYS fucking "buts" with her...
"i would come see you...BUT"...."i was going to drive down there...BUT"...
fuck, man..
"buts" are excuses...and she's a coward full of excuses...
and i fucking hate that about her..
because if she really intended to come down here - she'd just do it.

i'm either brave or stupid - because i'm always willing to take chances...and i always have...i figure, if you want something bad enough, you do what it takes...but unfortunately, shes not like me in the least...
i dont know what she wants...because i can't decipher her ramblings...but i would like to think that she wants me...only it's hard to keep thinking that with the way she acts...
she's at home..prolly sitting in front of her computer sulking (which...is exactly what i'm doing)...if i had a car i would go down there...despite all my better judgement, i would go...but i physically can't get there...
i just wanna go and slap the shit out of her..or shake her...or do something physically hurtful enough to distract her from her emotions..
she is so selfish...she thinks she is in this alone..that everything that's happening is happening to her..
well it's fucking not...
it's happening to me too..
but she can't see that...because there are times when she can't see 2 feet in front of herself..

but it's not my concern...
not anymore, anyway...
i've tried...begged...pleaded...reasoned...sacrificed...done it all...done by far more for sam than i've ever done for any other partner...and it's not enough...
i'm not doing it anymore..

i know i say that every single time...but now the urge to do nothing is stronger...and eventually the day will come when i'll wake up and that urge will be totally gone.

i wish that day would come soon..



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