i know that draino is poison, so i do not drink it...
i know that eating the pink mushrooms that grow on roadsides will eventually lead to liver failure, so i do not eat them..
i know that samantha will do nothing but continue to fuck with my world and break my heart..but for some reason..i can't seem to stay away..

my god..
it's so fuckig pathetic..

i went home last nite, and robert made the mistake of jumping out and scaring me and i almost put his head through the hallway wall...part of it was sheer reflex from fright alone..and part of it came from a deeper, darker place full of anger..
i frightened him right back, in turn frightening myself..
i'm so angry and hateful at the moment...i cant feel it flowing through my veins like a fucking disease..
and i hate it..and i hate her for doing it to me..
all i can keep thinking about is how much of a fool i was for not leaving back in january when i was ready..i should have fucked the spunky chick...i should have stood my ground..i should have simply left..
but i didn't..
and fuck now am i regretting it..

last nite i went to bed and just cried and cried and cried...it was pathetic, really...i didn't feel that bad when my dad died, yet someone like her can evoke such a response..
why do i love something so loveless?
why do i continually let my guard down, and let her shatter my heart?

even now, through all of this, i still have a secret sadomasocistic desire that she will call and beckon me back..

yes, kick my ass now, please..



on a brighter note...i have a job interview in 4 days...but i'm not going...have i told you all how i really dont want to be a nurse??



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