sometimes i wonder when exactly it was that i got so far off track..

things between sam and i are a total mess..totally..everything is so fucked up..i hate how we treat each other..i hate the fighting, and the awfulness, and the mistrust, the feeling bad..the tears..the screaming..i hate so much..
but fuck i miss her..
i miss knowing that she is there..

i can not stop thinking back to that day at the zoo..with kater and ant..where almost everything was perfect...then something happened..and everything changed..and now i am here and she is there and we've both destroyed any hope of reconciliation..

it's fucked..

and i think i could sleep easier at night if i knew just when it was that it went wrong..

i saw her last nite...i went there..waited for her..and when she finally showed up she had hayley with her. my heart sank like i could never describe in a journal..i was devistated..again, when i was down, she found a way to kick me in the head..
so i left..
or i tried to..
i swallowed my pride and went back and tried talking to her. but it didn't work..it never does when she has her fucking guards up. never..ever..
but i tried.
if anything i am miss persistence 2003..
heh..
but yeah..she told me "i need some time to think"...that made me feel 50feet tall and like i could conquer anything..but this morning, after apparently having time to think, she doesn't want us to be together..
again i was crushed and devistated. but at least i am getting used to the feeling..

i know i sound all pathetic and woe-is-me..but for now, i want to wallow in self-pity..
i know this is all my own fault..and i guess i have deserved everything that she has dished me
but for some reason, i would still go back if she beckoned..
pathetic, eh??
last week i was so strong and empowered. i remember driving from sam's to mum's thinking "i'm so fucking free"..but today, on that same drive, i could hardly see through the tears..it always astounds me how so much can change in such little time. but if this last month has taught me one thing, it's that nothing is set in concrete and that everything can change without notice..

so at the moment i'm at uni..i haven't arranged a new ISP yet, but i don't think i'll bother for a while. i have so many assignments to do that i think the internet at home would just be distracting..also, i have a lot to vent at the moment, so i'd just end up boring you all with my dribble..
i love this place, though...it is so therapeutic..my outlet..
although, in two years it seems to have done a full circle..
here i am..
almost 2 years after my first entry..and again, i find myself pining over a lost love..
it's pathetic, ain't it?

although, luckily, this time around i have support from the woman who sent me here the first time..which has been amazing..this afternoon after my hellish drive down here, i found myself on linda's doorstep all sobbing and sad..normally she's the last person i go to when i'm in a mess..but tonite, i just wanted to be in her presence...and it was nice...nice knowing that someone who'se been through a break-up with me, doesn't think that i'm all that bad..so yeah..it was nice..

i'm tired now, though..these last few days have been absolutely exhausting...
i can only hope that this next week is better than the past one..



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