at the mo, my greatest fear is that she will come back into my life, just as i have moved on..and tell me she wants me back. and i will be faced with this huge decision and i'll never know which choice was the right one to make..

yes, after only a week of being apart, the thought of this happening is already keeping me awake.
she told me today "i hated last week not knowing where you were, or what you were up to", and i loved hearing how she hated that. to me, that was something to hold on to..

i regret that i went out and slept with someone so soon after walking out.
i know why i did what i did (thinking it'd get her out of my system, aswell as knowing i couldn't go back if i wanted to)..but i look back now and know it was the wrong thing to do. not only did i fuck with someone nice, and pretty much use them..but i also stupidly destroyed any chance i ever had left with sam.
i think she would have given us another chance had i not fucked around..and i'm kicking myself knowing that...i'm also kicking myself knowing that the girl i fucked knows that. she's a great person..and i used her for my own selfish purposes...and probably destroyed any chances of a fantastic friendship..
when will i learn..

i went out last night..to the glassy, by myself..i had every intention of fucking around (again)..but deep down i was hoping that sam might call up and say "i've had a change of heart, lets get back on track"..so i did nothing but sit and watch everyone around me. there are so many amazing couples out there, and i'm so envious. sure, sam and i had our wonderous moments..but we've had our fair share of pretty fucking shocking ones, too..i just want someone to love..and someone who loves me right back..
i want something different ...not necessarily better...just new...

i dont want a relationship..not now anyway..and probably not for a very long time...



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