i am going out tonite, and i plan on fucking around until i can't walk straight..

i had hoped that sam and i could work out our differences, but i should have learnt from the past that that would be impossible...because she would make it impossible..

she forgets that i loved her, and i tried, and i bent over backwards, and i gave until i could give no more..she remembers nothing other than me finally leaving.

she has told me to get out of her life so many times, i've lost count..
she has told me how she does not want me..how i can't give her what she needs..how i make her sad..and she wonders why, when someone showed an interst, i fucked around..

i fucked around, because i was sick to death of feeling inadequate and useless..like a eunich..
because that's how she made me feel..
pathetic..
because i couldn't even fuck the woman i loved..i couldn't kiss her or lick her or touch her without feeling like a fumbling teen..because she made me feel like a fumbling teen - that is, when she wasn't rejecting me and making me feel like a disgusting freak..

and she wonders why i fucked around??

she told me "it doesn't have to be this way..we can be friends"..
but i do not wish to be friends with someone like her.
i would give 250% to my friends..would kill to protect or die to defend them..my kater..my linnie..i adore them..and sam does not deserve that honor..after everything she's said and done, she doesn't not even deserve the energy that i expend writing about her..let that evil little cretin that means so much to her remain her only friend..

yes i am angry, hurt and bitter..
but no, i do not hate her..
i pity her..
i pity that she would choose lonliness and negativity over happiness and love..
i pity anyone who thinks that way..

but it is no longer my issue..

i have a life to live..and i'm not going to let one person and their fucked up issues hold me back..



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