i went for a drive before..although, considering how much i've had to drink over the course of the weekend, i probably shouldn't as there is a chance that my blood alcohol limit will well-and-truely be above 0.0..
but anyway, i went driving..
i went around the pondage..and up to the cemetary..and i sat..and i thought..and i reflected..and i listened to music (poe of course!)..and i felt so..
so..
ok, so i can't really explain in this medium how i felt..but it was good.
i can't stop smiling..
she was my grrl..
my partner..
2 years..
two long years..
ups and downs..
and now i just feel so relaxed..
and it makes me question myself and my feelings for her..
"did i love her that much if i can walk away so easily?"
did i?
i did..
definately
but lately..my love has twisted and turned into the love of a friend..and i have spent all these last few weeks clinging onto something that wasn't coming back..
i feel strong now..
because i know that there is life after her.
god i sound so silly..but it's true. i am a good person. and i deserve more..i want more..and will not settle for anything less..
i was cleaning up my room before..just rearranging everything (as i do when i feel like a change) and i contemplated taking her photos down..
actually...i did more than contemplate. i did..but then i put them right back where they were, and put up photos of my other friends aswell..
my aim is not to remove her from my life completely..not at all..i love her..she is special to me..and will always take up a special place in my heart.
but my world doesn't revolve around her..not anymore..not for a long time..
with the events of the last few months, i had considered locking this diary, because i didn't want her reading it..but then some lovely chickie went and paid for gold membership for me so i have been taking advantage of the *locked* option. but i wont be locking this place, nor will i be selectively locking any further entries.
sure, there is some stuff in here that i dont want people (one person in particular) readin...
but this is my outlet..
there are my thoughts..
if people don't like them, then they shouldn't come back..
so yeah..
with all that said...i'm going to bed for an early one. i'm so fucked that it's not funny..
oh, before i go...i want to tell someone that it doesn't take a stronger person to walk away..it just requires timing..
you'll work it out...*smile*
ending music: 'control' - poe (of course!)
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jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble