i had a late shift yesterday, and at around 7pm it got really quiet on the ward, so i decided to take a few minutes out to call home and speak to pog..afterall, it's been almost a fortnight since i saw him last, and i normally i see or speak to him at least once a week..
so i called...not knowing what to expect...and as soon as mum recognised my voice, she hung up.
i called back a second time hoping that it was just a connection failure...but it happened again.
so i'm guessing she still considers me to be evil incarnate.

oh well..

i called my sister to explain what had happened, so that she can let pog know that aunty dannii still loves him very much, and it turns out that my mum has also tried poisoning her mind against me. but thankfully, my sister didn't buy it. it really fucking shits me that mum, a 55 year old woman, could be so god-damned childish. trying to turn my sister against me is one thing, but letting a 10-year old boy believe that his aunty doesn't love him is just fucking ridiculous! and i know that she actually *tells* him i dont care about him, because the last time i called him (after the fight with mum) he told me she told him that i have no time for him anymore....FFUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKK that

i'm worried about my mum's mental status, and i have been for a while now. and lately, her stability really seems to be deteriorating. i know she's had a rough year since dad died, and the fact that we're slowly creeping up to his first anniversary doesn't really help..but truely, that's no excuse for her to keep on acting like a cunt and pushing those close to her away. and really, and the end of the day it must be pretty fucking stressful for pog. he's only 10, afterall.

and what's making it worse, is the longer she leaves it like this and plays stubborn, the more ambivalent i will get, and eventually i wont give a shit at all..i know myself...and history shows just how quick i get over things like this..and it's scary.
sure, i could always give in and go grovelling and apologising to her. but i have NOTHING to apologise for. and i won't say "i'm sorry" just for the sake of peace.

i put up with a lot of shit from my mother...but speaking about the grrl the way she has, has really gotten to me.

sam is my partner.
she's my life.
i love her more than anything i've ever loved before, and want to grow old and die with her.
i don't tolerate anyone speaking out of tune about her, not even my mother.

and if my mother does not know me well enough to know exactly how much i adore sam, and if she can't see that i would get very defensive and protective about her - then my mother is more blind than i had originally thought.

but her blindness to my love and adoration for sam..irks me (irk is not a very stong word, but i'm trying to keep my profanities to a minimum)..
i resent that i have always been the *good daughter*...and done everything i could for her...but she does not take my relationship with the grrl seriously. after almost 2 wonderful years with sam, my mum seems to think it's some kind of 'passing phase'..
and i resent that i do not get the same kind of recognition (reltaionship wise) as my unstable sister who has a new guy every 5 months does..*sighs*..

but my sister, for all her faults, does recognise my relationship with the grrl..so i guess that's something..

anyway....i still miss pog...and dont know how i'm going to get to talk to him..*sighs*..



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