i feel like shit..

i am in the nastiest, most horrible, snappy cunt of a mood..and i know that there is very little that is going to get me out of it..

i want to call sam to see how she is and what she's doing, but i don't want to coz i know i will only make her sad...more sad that i already have..

i do love her..and i'm sure she knows that...but both of us know that now, i can't give her what she wants anymore...i looked at her on the weeekend, and i could see the most fanfuckingtastic friendship - and i can't wait for that to develop..

yeh sure...i would LOVE to be able to turn back the hands of time and make it how it was all those months ago before my dad died and my world turned upside down, back when sam was the only and most important person in my life..but i can't do that. no one and nothing can make that happen, so i'm not even going to entertain the thought..

right now, sam is looking at me and seeing what she's lost...when really, she should look and try to find what she can gain..afterall, i make such a much better friend than lover - and how that would be so much better for sam..

ahhh i dunno...*scratching my head*...maybe i'm just trying to justify it to myself...

i'm heading back to melbourne tomorrow...to pack and do stuff before my trip to sydney...and i don't know if i'll stay at sam's or not. i want to...i want to see her and hang out with her, but i don't know if that's such a great idea. i don't want to do anything to give her the idea that everything is going to go back to how it was - because i know i will do that somehow...because i am always going to reach out and touch her face or smell her hair...and i know that i shouldn't fo that.

it's all just so fucking bizarre...

anyway, the news is on and i wanna find out about the bushfires.

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