mmmm.....i've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days....thinking about my life...and how much things have changed since i made my first entry in this diary. it's funny to think that all that happened 3 months ago...3 months may seem like a long time, but it's hardly even noticable in the big scheme of things.

"...lookin back it was so long ago....but it seems like only yesterday..."

and it does seem like only yesterday that i was all heartbroken and sad, but then again, some times i'll think about it and it'll seeem like FOREVER ago.

but what i've really been thinking about is me and how different i have become. i am such not that snivlling little suck that i was a few months back. it's amazing how a little heartbreak can be so empowering. and i am pretty empowered. but sometimes i wonder if i am changing too much.

at the moment, i really couldn't care less about anyone other than those closest to me - mum, dad, robbie, kater, the girl...they are about the only people who i am truely interested in at the moment. and while it's good to only have a handful of folk to worry about, it's also bad that i can be to ambivalent towards those whom my life revolved around not too long ago. i feel very self-absorbed and selfish at the moment.

like linda...last week i hurt her. i didn't deliberately set out to hurt her. but i did. inadvertanty she was wounded by my actions. i know it hurt, but i just don't feel i did anything wrong, so i have no need to apologise. in the past, even the smallest wrong towards linnie would have had me apologising and kissing her feet within seconds...but now, i just don't feel like i should....but i also know if i don't, i will make matters worse and most likely have her hating me forever.

linda and i were great mates for a while there..and i really, truely enjoyed that. it was nice after a couple of years together to finally find equality and be able to be her friend ..but always in the back of my mind i would sit and wonder "...how long is this really going to last, dannii...". with each of my relationships and their breakups, i have not once been able to remain friends with the person that i spent so much time loving...not john..not paul...not elly...and now, i am thinking not linda. when we broke up, linda and i were both very big on the "we must remain friends" thing...and we tried...and we did. for the last 3 months my ex girlfriend and i have been closer than we had ever been in all the other time we'd spent together. but sure enough...i knew it was coming....i felt it seeping into me like a poison - old lovers die hard and i knew that we wouldn't be able to maintain it.

i wonder if linda could feel the poison, too...i mean, i may just be paranoid, but for a while i've felt her slowly pulling away from me as much as i have with her...especailly at the last rainbow room - something was definately different. hell...of course it was! i was at one side of the room with my grrl, while linda was at the other with hers...not that i have a problem with that at all...hell, i am very happy about that, and i have been for quite some time. but i just think that linda and i are too different [or maybe even alike] to actually be friends..i mean, we don't actually have anything in common. apart from the fact that we were once lovers, there wasn't really much else out that held us together. what ever keept us cohesive melted shortly after i left.

but yeh...enough of all the babbling. i guess what's been most on my mind lately is do i go and try to make good with linda and explain myself...or do i just let it go and watch her drift quietly out of my life, just how i did with all of my other ex's? don't get me wrong - linnie is a great person. she has seen me through some really tough times, and she's always held out her hand for support when i've needed it. but i just don't know if *I* am able to be friends with someone that i cared about so much. it's not that i'm jealous ~~~~ and i'm sure it sounds that way. but i've just never been able to look at my ex's with new partners. just like, i've never ever expected them to watch me with someone else. it's as if i get into this mentality of - "we shared a life...and now that's over...so let's just move on and live new lives without each other" i know that sounds really silly and childish...and i also know that linda does not think that way...but it's worked for me so far, and i don't think i am able to change it now

after elly and i split up, she got with megan and i got with sharee. elly and sharee were good friends, so naturally the 4 of us spend a bit of time together. but over time i just didn't want elly to be in my life. it's wasn't because i was jealous that she was with someone else...it was that she still treated me exactly how she did when we were together, and i didn't know how to act with that. it's was weird..like nothing between us had changed, except we weren't in love/having sex anymore.

and i guess i feel like that with linda. it's weird being in her house...mucking around with the kids...having her lecture me on various things that she always did...feeling her hug me [just like she used to]..have her laugh with me [just like she used to]...but know that i'm really not supposed to be there. i think i deal much better with ex's when they hate me.

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