she was all stressed out and upset...turns out her and nikki had had a fight...a fight because last nite when they were all here, nikki reckons she saw linda kiss me...AND she claims that she felt some "body language" between us.....FUCK yeh she felt body language...linda and i spent 2 years together...we shared some wonderful times...we shared some fucking horrid times, too...but at the end of the day we were housemates...friends....lovers. of course there's gonna be something between us - but it's soooooo not sexual!....she also bitched at linda about the fact that i have some pics of linda in my bedroom...fuck...it's my room and at the risk of sounding childish, i'll have what i want in my room when i want... - hell, she's lucky that i took the blown up A4 pics of linnie down *L*
this kinda shit really makes me angry...linda wouldn't cheat....hell, if anyone knows that i do. yeh i made the mistake of thinking once for about 20seconds that she cheated on me, and i saw how much that cut her. it's like the biggest regret of our relationship - i should never have thought that about her...but unfortunately, it's one of those things that you can't take back.
the thought of linda breaking up with nikki scares me...the thought of linda being single scares me to death...i don't think i could deal with not being with her if she were single...i mean, at least now it's all good coz i know i couldn't have her back even if i wanted to...but if she were single, and we didn't get back together - i think that would really hurt...and fuck, i really don't want to hurt over her anymore.
i asked her tonite online if she thought we could ever get back together..and she said [*cutting and pasting from my ICQ history*]
"...Im not freaked or anything else, the answer is no............we were bad for each other and I wouldnt do that to either of us again...."
i am kinda glad that the answer was no...i mean, it hurt a little bit to read that, but i know where she's coming from.
we were bad for each other...not all the time...but for the last few months we got pretty destructive...but i'd like to think i've changed...i think if linda and i did have a second chance then things would be very different - hell, i would walk thru fire bent over backwads to make it work...but i am not going to dwell on it or wait around for it to happen. i would like to think that linda and i would get back together before we die - even if i'm 42 and she's 57...i am not hung up on her, but i do sometimes wonder if maybe linda wasn't the *one* for me (yup...my bipolar just kicked in *L*)...and we just got together at the wrong time.
ah fuck....i hate it that she can confuse me like this...not that linda is directly confusing me...but these thoughts drive me insane...she is bad for me...i don't love her like i used to...and we are not meant to be...but god damn i can't help it *scratching my head*.
i shouldn't have come online tonite...i shoulda done my assignment then i wouldn't have know about linda and nikki and i could sleep easily and soundly and not worry about it, and them and her....but i really am frightened that nikki will make linda choose between us...hell, she already has insecurities and is worried that linda is fucking me - just imagine how much she can build on that if given the time..
i would never do anything to ruin linda's relationship...yeh, i would like for my own selfish reasons linnie to be single - but i wouldn't go out and deliberately make trouble..linda is one of my best friends...i adore her and i would hate to see her hurting...as much as it's odd to see her have girl troubles (with someone other than me), i would still give my right arm to make her happy...
but enough of this...i need sleep...i need to go to bed and just not think about anyone but me.
i don't wanna be confused anymore...
**popping a handful of lithium**
yeh...
jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble