*slapping myself in the head*

i think that even if i lived forever, i will never understand exactly what it is about me that makes me reach my potential once it's too late.

take for instance today...i spent the day with linnie...(well, from midday onwards) and it was fanfuckingtastic...great...absolutely marvellous...and i was such a different person - kinda the real me, and i didn't even have to try...i wasn't faking - it was just me - pure and simple. why couldn't i have been like that for the last 6 months? then this afternoon as i walked out of the bedroom (linda was vaccuuming the lounge room) i just lifed up my top, pulled my bra up around my neck and flashed my titties..just flashed 'em...let 'em hang and just be there. she was stunned...her jaw dropped open and she just stared. she gave me a filthy look and said "why can u do that now?"..and i dunno why i can do it now and not then...it's so fucked up. everything that she has ever wanted of me and i am prepared to do it now - about 3 weeks too late. it is so fucked..

i know i am feeling better...not as sad and pathetic as i have been - but i just regret so fucking much that at times it drives me insane...
why can i do it now?

why is it so easy for me to be exactly what she's always asked of me?

why am i such a complete and utter fucking moron that i didn't just wander around naked in front of her years ago?

it's all so easy now...now...typical when it's too fucking late.

i am not going to dwell (at least for not much longer than a day)..but it frustrates me like nothing else.

part of me just wants to scream at her - "i am soooo fucking ready to give you everything that you've ever desired"...but the other part says "just let her be". i know she is sooo happy with nikki...sooo terribly distracted that it's almost a new linda. and i love seeing her like that...i am so happy that she's happy [i really am - i'm not just saying that]. i just wish i could turn it all back and have me be the one that make her happy.

i went out tonight with linnie, the kids, trish, hutchy, ren, joh and doris...we went to the top pub to listen to nikki sing..she's a pretty good singer [kinda like carole king crossed with someone else whose voice i just can't pinpoint]..she is so unashamed of anything about herself that i can clearly see what linda is attracted to..but yeah..we were at the pub...and wishy has hutchy...ren has joh...and nikki has linnie. it's not that i'm jealous [well, i very well could be *sigh*]...it's just that everyone has someone else, and i just want someone to nuzzle into..i want someone elses neck to bury my face in...in a perfect world it would be linnie...but right now i just want to know that someone is there...not that i feel then need to be with someone to be complete...i just miss all the little things that partners (particularly linda) do.

it is almost surreal sitting back and watching linda put her hand on someone else's leg..i mean, it has always been my leg, and it's very unusual knowing that it's not.

nikki introduced linda as her "partner" tonight...i don't really know how nikki defines that word..but it took linda and i months to use terms like "partner"..."girlfriend"..."lover". not that linda's relationship with nikki should be a mirror image of ours - but it's just so strange. i mean, it's hasn't even been a month - not that time means anything...afterall, as simone keeps on tellimg me "it's quality, not quantity that counts" but it still kinda stings. i know that linda and i are over..i am fully aware of that. i know that we are going to be great friends and always part of each others lives - but to hear someone else refer to her as partner after i did for so long is bizarre. i almost feel like a 2 year old who wants to scream "mine - go get your own"...it's so silly, isn't it?

in these last 3 weeks i couldn't imagine even touching someone else other than linda - let alone finding myself a "partner"...i wonder what linda thinks of that term...i asked her to define her relationship with nikki and she said something like "we are friends with potential" and she tells me all the time how she likes being "single"...i wonder if linda is just not telling me how she feels about nikki...or if she just really is wanting to take it slow.

not to get astrological...but nikki is a pisces..just like wishy...there's nothing wrong with pisces - but they seem to hit very hard and fall very fast. linda's not like that - and i sometimes think that nikki is making herself a huge mistake by falling fast.. because i look at nikki - and see that she is falling...how could she not. linda is wonderful..she doesn't think she is..but god, she had my heart long before i thought that i would have ever been prepared to give it up. i don't think that linda is in love [at least not yet]...but she is certainly distracted by nikki...and that is so not a bad thing. i would love a bit of distraction in my life right now...not a relationship...not a lover...just someone who i can be completely open and free with [maybe with sex..maybe without]...linda and i used to be like that - but we made the mistake of basing our relationship on sex. well... maybe that wasn't really a mistake...but i sure do wish that we had have done it differently. i miss sex with linda...i miss touching her and being touched by her...mind you, all that stopped long before our relationship did - so i don't know why i am still hung up on it.

i have thought about sex with a few different people over the last 3 weeks...i think that it would be a good distraction...something to just get linnie out of my head...but i don't know if i could sleep with someone knowing that i was using them to replace her. it's weird...i think i need to lose my morals and ethics for a little while...not too long - just for a week.

i am so much looking forward to the rainbow room...i just want to flirt - not to hurt linda or try and make her jealous...but just to feel free...

anyway - i need to study...i have an exam in about 15 hours and i have no idea what i need to know...*blah* god i can't wait for the mid semester break - i need more time to have fun.

~dannii

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