oh deary me...life works in mysterious ways...*shaking my head*

yesterday morning i got up kinda early and decided that i wasn't going to spend my day locked in kate's bedroom moping around, so i had a shower and headed out...i walked around yarraville for a few hours...went back to kates...grabbed my backpack and some cd's [my new song of the day is "turn off the light" by nelly furtado - i can't listen to it enough] and decided to head into the city to wait for simone...when i was younger and back living in melbourne, i used to always just jump on a bus or train and head off to where ever it was going to take me...i never ever knew where i was going until i got there, and it always gave me plenty of time to just sit and think. i have been doing a lot of sitting and thinking lately (and a lot of babbling in online diary's *snikker*)

anyway...on my way to the yarraville train station i was waddling along..thinking about my life and linda and being single and stuff like that..and i was just about to walk around the corner when *BANG i bumped into this chick (who obviously wasn't watching where she was going)..i was a little stunned coz i am not used to bumping into people...but i was even more stunned to look up and find my ex girlfriend elly staring down at me...fuck...i was absolutely dumbfounded!

of all the people

of all the places

of all the worst times in my life

i bump into the one chick who i had totally ruled out of ever seeing again in my life!

at first i put my head down and tried to walk off...but she stopped me and started a conversation...we didn't speak long...only about 5-6 minutes...but i just felt so weird and uncomfortable and felt about as strange as i would have had i been talking to a total stranger.

in fact, i looked at her as is she were a stranger...i haven't seen elly for about 18 months...i have thought about her often - just wondering where she was...what was she doing...is she ok...nothing sinister - i never ever thought about her sexually...and never ever thought about what it would be like to be with her again...i don't love her...hell, i don't think that i even like her. i have a respect for her - afterall, we spent almost 3 years together in a pretty good relationship...and i have some very fond memories...but unlike my relationship (and break up) with linda, i could never imagine being with elly again. actually, i was quite content with the thought that i was never ever going to see her again.

but after i walked off i thought that maybe it would have been good to have had a longer conversation...i felt bad for not dropping my guard and actually talking to her...hell, we shared a life together...for three years...her parents bought us a house...we had dogs and cats and birds (great substitutes for kids)...hell, we even had a committment ceremony...elly and i did so much together that linda and i never did - but i would still give up everything i ever shared with elly for just one more chance with linda. i know i said i was going to try and lay off the linnie stuff...but the more i try, the harder it seems to get...it's almost as if i unconsciously punish myself for trying to bury her memory...

last nite i went out to the glassy with kate, simone and viv (kate's new house chick). i am getting more and more used to being single - afterall, it's been a while since i've had no one to answer to...not long after elly and i split up i got with sharee...and then went straight from sharee to linda..so yeah, it's been about 3 years. sometimes i feel like i don't know what to do with myself..but then others i think i just want to go out and slut around with anyone who'll stand still long enough.

there was this chick at the glassy last nite that i had my eye on..and we had a bit of a chat and a laugh and a grab... but that was it...it feels strange to think that my actions are now my own - and i don't have linda to think about or consider...i can do what i want with who i want - and have to answer to no one...but deep down i still feel weird. it's strange to think of me touching anyone but linnie...and it's weird to think that when i am not there that linda is wrapped around someone who's not me.

i wish i could have jumped straight from linda to someone else...then i might not have to deal with this lonliness...i know that at the end of the day this will be a great big learning experience - but i think i would enjoy it more if it were easier... i look at linda and she is just so happy coz she has nikki. i don't know if it's nikki that makes her happy, or the fact that she has someone that makes her happy...i can't feel bad, because linda was just like that when we got together. she was all smiles and giddy and happy-go-lucky... she was just so wonderful...not that she isn't wonderful anymore, but she was such a different person back then. sometimes i wish we hadn't changed..i don't know if we changed to suit each other, or if we just smothered each other's individuality because we were constantly together...either way, the changes that happened within us ultimately came between us. linda says i was so different in our last year together than how i was when we first met..i know i changed...i didn't know it was for the worst tho. i thought that i was just settling down for/with a woman that i wanted to grow old with...where as linda thinks i just became complacent and boring. in the last 2 weeks, althought i have been sad and unhappy and pretty fucking pathetic, my friends have all said that i am beginning to be the old dannii... and i really like hearing that... while i still feel a little teeny bit sad when i think of what i haven't got anymore, i start smiling once i realize that all this great stuff might be in store for me..yeah, i'm a bit lost at the moment...and i feel as if everything that i've known for the last 2 years has just been pulled at from underneath me, but who knows.. when elly and i broke up i was pretty upset...looking back, i think it took me months to be as chirpy as i am at the moment...and yeah..i cried..and i cried..and i was lonely..and at the time i never would have thought that someone as magical as linda would ever enter my life. but she did..and she dropped into my bath tub like some kind of guardian angel..and she turned my world upside down. and now..in my time of losing her, how can i ever rule out that someone even more magical than linda will sneak into my life and give me a fanfuckingtastic next few years...yes, life does work in mysterious ways...

anyway...i am going to get off this topic, go write some emails, go home and go to bed...i am so tired, and don't know how i am going to be alert enough to face classes in the morning..

i'm sure i'll have more to write tomorrow...

cheers

~dannii

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