part of it goes-
"you're not here, you're not even there...out of my heart, out of my hair...i can't roll away with this missing piece, you could only ever want what i could never ever be...."
and that is so true. i found an email today that linnie wrote to me about a month ago..it was the last time we had a fight...things between us were REAL bad and i thought that it was all over . we had been fighting for a few days about things that i just didn't know how to change...and she said somethingt o me that hurt real abd so i told her to "stick her fucked up relationship up her ass" and i ran of to melbourne (like i always do). i was so angry...so terribly angry...and that nite i went out in melbourne with kater and planned to drink my woes away. but i couldn't...i just sat there seething...and seething...and then it all melted and i realized that i had been such a fucking dickhead to walk out on her. but i didn't think that i could do anything so i went home to bed...and that nite at about 1am my phone rang...it was my linnie...my precious little princess was crying her heart out. at first i though she had hurt herself, then i realized she was crying for me. she told me that she was sorry and couldn't do it without me and that she was coming straight to melbourne to rescue me...i was so happy...all the pain and trouble and woes just melted. all that mattered to me was that i was going to see linnie and be able to fall asleep holding her in my arms.
holding her always made everything alright. no matter how bad it was, or how much hurt there had been - a linnie hug just made it all disappear. looking back, there should have ben more...i shouldn't have just built everything on a foundation of cuddles...but they were just so wonderous. they still are.
but i digress...this email i found made me sad a little bit...it made me see how i could never give linda the simplest things that she wanted...she wanted a girlfriend how could do things for her...who could go do the shopping for her...who would drive her around when she was sick...who could just step in and take charge. all thru my relationship with linnie i was used to her being the strong one...her being in charge...her taking control of everything...
in this email linda wrote to me about her fantasy...i probably shouldn't be writing this out for the world to read, but i am guessing that the chances of someone who actually knows linda and i reading this are pretty slim...and she wrote
"my fantasy is to find a woman who i find a turn on come around and pick me up and take me back to her place for dinner...or coffee...or a biscuit even and while she is making the coffee or what ever i could sneak up behind her, play with her boosies and take her shirt of and just stand there and hold them in my hands and look at them, and that is fair dinkim" ----> linda is the most amazing woman...the woman of my dreams...the woman i will most likely spend the rest of my life trying to gt back or replace, and i couldn't even give her the most simple of things...this is a pretty basic fantasy...no strap on's, no dildo's, no hand cuffs...all she wanted was pure and innocent magic - and i couldn't even give it to her...
now i think i would walk the streets nakid if i thought i had some sort of chance of disrtacting her from nikki...but i doubt that i will ever be able to distract her again. nikki is great, and very goood for linnie...but i know that i will never be able to compete with someone as free as nikki.. and while linnie has someone like nikki to flash her titties and do all of those wonderously innocent and amazing things - i will never stand a chance.
sometimes i feel compelled to just strip down in front of linda and say "take me"...but i don't think i could handle the rejection...there is a lot i would do if i wasn't so shit scared of being told to piss off...
hmmmm...fuck i wish i had have changed things with linda back when i had the chance to...things aren't meant to be like this...i always thought she was the one i could settle down with. yeah i know i'm only 23 and that's too young to settle *rolling my eyes*...but i could have quiet happily lived the rest of my life just loving and being with linnie...i always told her that i wanted to grow old and senile with her (mind you, she would be senile long before me...hehehe)
back to melissa - "how can i be okay, if i'm pulling away..all the things that held together my life...all i want tonight is to touch you and kiss you...but i only wish you goodnight"
~dannii
jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble