i came to school today with every intention of going to my 2 hour science lab, but i just couldn't bring myself to do it...i will start tomorrow..ah, thursday - i promise :-)
the last 2 days have been good...life is definately getting better..i am feeling alot happier and a lot more in control.
i spent sunday nite at linnies, and monday we spent the day with nikki and doris. the more time i spend with nikki the more i think how she is just so perfect for linnie. yeah sure, sometimes i feel a twang of pain when it's nikki that linnie is touching and not me, but that all just comes from being used to linnie touching me and no one else...i miss linnie, but after spending the last 2 nites with her (and knowing that i am always welcome in her home and her life) i feel much more relaxed.
last nite i went to trish's and got her to pierce my other nipple...linda would never let me do it, so i figured now was a good a time as any *hehehehe*...it didn't hurt too much, but it's a bit throbby at the moment..also, i am feeling the cold a bit more than i usually do. i got a bit sad..coz i flashed my titty at linnie without even an ounce of self-body-loathing-type-shame...for the most of our relationship i always hated my body...i covered it every chance i could. i could never understand how she could desire something that i loathed so much. but when she walked in on trish and i while my titty was hanging out she was stunned...i didn't even feel the urge to turn away from her...i felt sad, coz i knew it upset her..she gave me the whole "you can do it now but not it our relationship" look and that stung. sometimes i feel like screaming at her - "i have changed now, we can try again...", but then i figure she will be very happy with nikki, and i shouldn't ruin our friendship by putting that "let's get back together" guilt on her...
last nite when i got back to linnie's after getting my nipple pierced i went straight to bed...linnie came home at about 9:30 (i was dozing) and then i woke up at about 11pm coz i had had a nitemare..i jumped out of bed looking for her but she wasn't there, so i called her mobile...it was such an awful feeling - i hate it when my dreams feel real...i dream't that we had come home from trish's and jumped into bed together, and that i had broke down and cried...i told her that it hurt when i saw her and nikki together...and how i wanted it to be me she touched...and we talked and cried and fought and she got in her car and took off...and then she hit a tree and was dying and i didn't know where she was, only i knew she was in trouble..it was an awful fuckin dream...even worse when i got up only to find she wasn't there...when i called her i was shaking so hard my heart was going crazy and my pulse was all irregular and really really bounding...she must have thought i was such an idiot....fuck, i really really felt like i was going to pass out bang smack on the tiles in the kitchen...i have never ever felt so scared before...
linda asked me what i'd been dreaming about, but i didn't really want to tell her in case it upset her, so i just said "oh i dreamt you had a car accident"..but she hugged me for most of the night last nite so that made me feel better...i feel so safe when i'm lying in her arms...it's definately not sexual...and not really motherly...but i definately feel like nothing can hurt me when i am there...god i hope that never changes. i hope it'll always be like that and that nikki (or any other girlfriend linda may have) understands...
i feel so comfortable with linnie now...i guess now i know that all my hang ups were partly what pushed her away, and i don't want to ever lose someone again for those same reasons.
so i think i will go on a titty flashing spree...*evil laff*
ummm...what else is happening in my life?
mmm....not much really...i have heaps to catch up on at school, so i am going to take advantage of an empty house tonight and go study at linda's..i have 3 assignments to get thru and a science lab and lots of catching up from lectures that i have missed..i can't believe that i fell so behind at school, but i am figuring i wouldn't have been very constructive here anyway.
my lecturers have all been pretty understanding (which is great) even though only one of them really knows what's been going on for the past 2 weeks.
rite now i just want to go out and have fun..not to distract myself or anything sinister like that - but i am just a much better person when i am laughing. i want to meet a chick...fall helplessly in love and just smile every minute of every day...i want to be able to laff at the dumbest of things...i know i don't need a partner to do these things, but i think one would help. before i met linda, i was so scared of settling down that i used to get away from my girlfriends as often as i could..i would go anywhere at the drop of a hat...but with linda i just wanted to be with her...be near her...practically smother her. now i think i would like to be very much in the middle...i miss the sensation of being in love. yeah, sure i love linda, but it's not like what i want..it's funny how fast things change when you know they're not going to go back. she told me she still loved me today. not in the way that i would like, but it's great knowing that i am as special to her as she is to me...i told her i wanted to be in love again...not to replace her, but just to...i dunno...just to feel like i belong to something. i know that sounds corny...but its what i want right now.
but personally, i don't think i could move into a relationship quite so soon...not that it's bad that linda did - afterall, she saw a chance with nikki and she went for it (i would have done the exact same thing) - i just don't know if i could...i would like to think that i could...and i would like to try...but i dunno if it would be as wonderous as i am expecting at the moment.
i can't wait for the next rainbow room...i just wanna flirt...flirt, flirt, flirt and have fun fun fun...fun with kate...fun with linnie and nikki...fun with ren and joh...fun with everyone.
~dannii
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jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble