i had a great weekend down in melbourne...i was going to stay down there for the rest of the week (well, until thursday, anyway) but i decided i can't keep on running from going back home to my folks...it's silly...and i am too old to run away.
so yesterday (sunday) kate and i went to watch renee and hutchy play soccer, and i came back to morwell with them. i stayed here at linnie's last nite, and it was great. it's fantastic that there's no akwardness between us (well, with me anyway, i would hate to speak on her behalf). we layed in bed and yakked yakked yakked most of the nite away. we talked a little bit about our relationship, and a bit about her new one with nikki. linda told me that she is waiting for my little green monster to rear it's ugly head and for me to go off into some jealous rage, but i honestly don't think that i have it in me. i love linda, and she will always be very special to me, but it's not that kind of love anymore. i hugged her most of last nite in bed and for the first time in 2 years it wasn't sexual. it was purely peaceful.
at the moment, i think that linnie thinks i am at peace with all this for no other reason than to convince myself...i asked her last nite if she thought i was trying to worm my way back in and all she said was "i certainly hope not" - i would have much preferred for her to say "no".
i like nikki....she is great....and she will make linnie extraordinarily happy. something i tried to do, but just couldn't get right. i don't feel bad about that..i thought i would. i thought it would cut me to no end that someone else could come along in such a short amount of time and 'replace' me, but it's amazing how much clearly i accept that linnie needs to be with someone like how i used to be, not with someone who's like what i became. i changed so much during our relationship that the differences are almost unbelievable. but i am going back now....surely, but slowly, i am going to be the dannii that i spent so much time searching for after i came out...i want to be like the dannii that linda fell in love with. not because i want linda to fall in love with me again, but because that dannii was more fun and fearless and exciting...
nikki and i had a bit of a yak on the phone last nite...her ex girlfriend told her that i hadbeen waffling about how much in love with linnie i still was..ok, fair enough, i have said about a zillion times in the last 2 weeks that i love linda very, very much, but it is also a very transformed (and peaceful) kind of love. she is my little princess...my winda woman...and just because we are no longer in a sexual relationship doesn't mean that i can't adore her. it's so different for me, because i do not have any contact whatsoever with any of my other ex's..and i have always liked it that way...but to think of living without having linnie in my life is just awful...i couldn't imagine ever hating her...or just not caring about her. we spent 2 wonderful years together...we had alot of fun..went thru alot of shit...and share alot of memories...that will never change. but i just can't believe that doris would tell nikki that, coz it makes me seem like a sneaky little bitch - and i don't want anyone to have that impression of me, especially not nikki or linnie.
i think this next rainbow room will be an experience...people are going to ask lots of questions, and i'm sure there will be lots of whispering behind our backs...it's fair enough tho, linda and i have been to almost every rainbow room together (i have missed 1 out of 25). personally, i think it will be a giggle...i don't mean that to sound cold or horrid...i just love shocking people. i don't think a lot of people will understand how linda and i can still be mates..and they most likely won't expect nikki and i to be so friendly towards each other...i think it's good tho, coz there's too much hate and animosity out there at the moment that i most certainly don't want to add to it...i probably sound corny, but it is so true...i thought i would hate nikki...i thought i would feel so much anger, resentment and jealousy...but it's more like relief that linnie is at peace. it's pretty important to me that linnie's happy...i know i am getting happier...once i move out of mum and dad's and back into town i will be extremely happy...speaking of moving, i got to talking to renee and joh last nite about how unhappy i am with mum and dad in churchill, and they are like "oh we are moving soon...come live with us" and i got so fucking excited...ren and i have had a pretty weird friendship, and we have had our fair share of ups and downs...i am just so relieved that she has never ever held any of it against me...despite it all, she really is a good friend
linnie told me last nite that at my age i can sit back and wait for ms right, but she doesn't have that same luxury...i guess there is reason behind that...
but enough of my waffle...i am thinking that there won't be too many more of these entries...i only started this diary as an outlet, and not that most of my hurt has gone i don't think i will need to vent anymore...i have my friends to talk to...i have a great support network, and most of all i have a fan-fucking-tabulous ex girlfriend who can actually listen to me these days. what more could a girl want???
~dannii
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jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble