i know now that churchill is the source of my unhappiness and not my breakup with linda. i love my parents, they are both great people, but i am not mean't to live with them.
i belong here...in this house...with linda and the kids. not as lovers, but just as a part of the family...they have been my family for just over 2 years, and it is really hard adjusting to living back with my own family. that probably sounds insane, but it's just how it is.
i met nikki today - and she's great. we chatted and laughed and i think that this is just going to be great. it's funny, i thought that i would hate her or feel jealous towards her, but i don't. all that really cuts is knowing that linda will now be doing the same things with her that she used to do with me. but hopefully with things going along as they are we will all be able to do things.
i cuddled linda alot today, and amazingly none of it was sexual. she got changed in front of me before and i had to turn around and not look...i know it's habit on her part just to get dressed while she's talking, but i no longer feel like i should be looking - and it's not a bad thing. i am not upset by that. i do still love her, but it is a very transformed kind of love. she is now like my sister, my mother and my best friend all rolled into one. she is the one i can talk to about my woes, and the one i can laugh with...we never made good lovers (well, we did...but it was never just right). sex was what got us together, and ultimately it was sex that wedged us apart. she told me before that the sex was always good between us (hehehe...hearing that made me feel better) but it ended up consuming everything else. i understand that now. linda and i used to fight about sex all the time...mainly because i wasn't getting any...i understand now that i should never have cared, as long as i had her.
i think now i want a companion...someone like kater....someone who just "get's it".. someone who's not offended by my attitude, or who understands that i am just "me"...linda got that...but at times neither of us understood the other and that always made for an argument.
but i feel much better having met this new woman who is going to make my little princess so very happy...yes, linda is still my little princess, no matter what anyone says. i would do anything for her...i think we are going to have a very protective and nurturing friendship together. and that is good...that is great...that makes me realize that i would be stupid to want or expect anything else...i think things are really going to look up :-).
i spoke to linnie today about moving back with her...or moving in with one of our friends here in morwell...i think she is seriously contemplating me moving back in (or all of us moving into a bigger house). i could do it...i think i could do anything just as long as it was with linda and the kids and this way of life. i am so used to everything in this house...the people....the furnature...the dynamics. the change to my parents was of living was a biiiiiiiig culture shock. a big one...much bigger than anything that i ever anticipated.
but who knows...
ideally i would love living with linda again...i don't think jealousy would be an issue...my princess is happy and i will become happy...and at the end of the day everything will be just peachy.
hehehe....fuck...now i sound like a nutcase...i think it's time for me to go do something constructive.
~dannii
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jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble