ah fuck...everything is just breaking down...

i was just in my nursing lab but had to leave coz i couldn't stop myself from crying...i mean, i was howling like a fucking baby...man, i really need to get it together before someone here has me committed.
i just called linda and she's coming all the way out here to pick me up...i must have "fell off the wagon" as she put it..

my life is just so upside down at the moment and it seems as if i have no way of turning it right side up..

linda is being so good to me...supporting me and coming out to get me...but i don't want her to feel as if i'm going to constantly do it as some sort of attention seeking behaviour.....i called her because i didn't know who else to call...and i figure she has some idea what i'm feeling at the moment.
i hate that there is no one else that i feel i can lean on...not mum, not simone, not kater, not leanne, not pene...as wonderful as they all are, they just don't seem t be able to help me...at least not yet. right now the only support that i seem to want is linda's

i know that we are over...that is not the issue here...i know we are friends...i am accepting thatwe are friends....i am just finding it so terribly hard to live out here without her or the kids....for the last 2 years she has been like my sun...and now that sun is stuck behind a cloud and i have no idea in hell how to make things sunny and bright again. not only that, but linda and the kids and everything about them has been such a big part of my life for so long

i can't wait to get to kate's tonite...she always knows how to make me laff and make me happy....and while it may only last 2 days, that is so much better than nothing.

i need to move...living here in churchill is making me miserable...i think it's the single most biggest source of my deperssion right now...i am accepting linda and nikki...i just can't accept being stuck out here...i wish that i had never packed my things (what can i say, it was done in temper)...i wish that we had just broken up but i had just moved my things into a different room...i hate not being part of that household....i hate not seeing her and the kids when i wake up....i don't wanna move back in so i can try and worm my way back into her bed. i don't want that...it would be nice, but not right...i just want to be there again. i do not like change at the best of times, let alone when it's as drastic as this.

last nite i spoke to renee and she said that when she and joh move out she'll get a bigger place so i can have a room...i don't know if she was serious or not, but it was so nice of her...even if it was just half hearted or in jest, it was still nice...it made me feel so much better....

i wish linda had another room at her place - i could so much do the "housemate" thing...even if we can't be lovers, i wish we could still live together....maybe one day if she moves, but i can't see anything happening just yet. it's just fucked coz mum and dad are being so nice, but i just can't stand being there..and it hurts twice as much coz i have absolutely no where to go.

i don't think i have ever felt so lost.

i was going thru my draws last night and mum put a few boxes of panadeine forte in there...i looked at the for the first time ever in my life and understood how people could take there own lives. no, i'm not contemplating suicide, but i can understand why people do it...besides, knwoing my luck i would try to do it and the worst that would happen was that i'd spew everywhere.

i just want to be happy...

i want to be in love

i want to have someone in my life to just hug me and hold me

i want to be and feel how i did when linda first got together.

i was talking to pene yesterday, and she said that she constantly worries that she'll never be able to find someone who will mean as much to her as leanne did..and i am thinking i will also have that same dilemma...

how will i ever find someone who will even be able to just half compare to linnie..how will i ever fill this hole in my heart.

fuck i sound pathetic, but it's true...

i know her and i are going to be friends...good friends...but how will i ever not be able to look at her and think "you are so incredibly special to me"..

i would love to know what she thinks about me....

i must be special to her, afterall, she's coming straight out here to pick me up...and she calls me and she obviously cares about me....

but how come i was so easy to replace? although, i am guessing that linda and i ended long before she ever actually said the words

the thought of me even touching someone who's not linnie sickens me to the stomach...literally, i think i would spew...

i am glad she's getting happier...and i am happy for her...

but i want to be happy for me.

i have never felt like this before so i'm a little inexperienced in how i should be feeling or what i should be doing.

sadness is not an emotion that i deal very well with. i know that it's only been like 10 days, but i am just so fucking exhausted...i'm exhausted and lonely and feeling truely fucking pathetic...i am a little bit angry, but that's more directed at myself than at linda or anyone else

~dannii

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