after my somewhat bad day yesterday, i went over to linnie's and we had a bit of a chat. it was our first real time together since we split, and it was great just seeing her...it reminded me of all the fun we used to have, and how it's be great just getting that back.
she told me last nite that she had gone out to dinner with someone, and that she really likes this person.
i have to say tho - i took the news pretty well..she was expecting lots of tears and shouting and stuff...but i kept pretty composed until she commented that i'd already been sleeping with someone else...not that it's anyone's business, but i haven't slept with anyone...and the mere thought of it actually made me cry. linda felt's pretty bad coz she thought the news about her an nikki had upset me...but she seemed somewhat relieved when i explained that it was the thought of me sleeping with someone else that hurt...in fact, that thought makes me sick to the stomach - but i know that will go away. right now i have my ghosts to deal with, and i know once they go away i will move on. but right now i don't want them to go away..i think it is healthy for them to stick around for a while and let me get linda out of my system.
i've gotta say tho - it kinda stung a bit to hear that linnie already had someone new - coz after only a week i doubt my side of the bed would even be cold yet - but then i was somewhat relieved (a term that i use VERY loosely)...not relieved that i'd lost her to someone else, just relieved in knowing that i had no need to sit around and wait for her to come over and take me back...and while part of me would really like to turn back the hands of time about a week (well, back to this time last year would be even better)...another part of me knows that this is for the best. right now, i want nothing more than linda and i to be the great friends that we used to be...yeah sure we made good lovers....but ultimately i think we both seeked the other's friendship... i know that she loved me...hell, she loved me enough to give up her world, leave her husband and move in with a 21 year old queer chick (at the time)...and i know that she will always love me and i will always have the recognition of being her first...but i think we will make much better friends.
she hugged me alot yesterday...hugs were the one great thing that i craved off of her during the last few months of our relationship...and while it kinda stung a bit to know that i can get them now when i couldn't get them then, it was kinda refreshing to know that no matter what happens now, i will always have a readily available supply of linnie hugs. - sounds kinda stupid don't it, but if you people knew linnie, and knew her hugs, you would all understand that i would give my entire CD collection just for a hug from her.
but yeah - i am much happier...i now have that much needed closure that i spent all last week crying over. it's funny tho, i thought that the thought of linnie with someone else would just kill me...tear me apart and rip my heart out...but this new woman (nikki) seems special...and that is all that matters. linnie and i drifted over the last year...we stopped smiling at each other - and that is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a relationship. and yesterday we smiled...we smiled lots....we held hands...we hugged...there was even a kiss on the cheek...and the most magical thing about it all was that there was no pressure...there was no awkwardness...it was just pure and simple and that is exactly how it needs to stay.
sure, i love linda...i always, always will...she wasn't like any of the others...not at all. when i was in my relationship with elly i thought "gee, this is the ultimate"...but then i met and got with linda. i'm not saying that no one will ever be able to replace her...but i am saying that she is a very special woman and she'll always have a big part in my heart....after yesterday i think we both know that this is the much better option. yeah it hurt (hurt like hell) but i think i always knew deep down that linnie and i would would make much better friends...and her new chick (nikki) seems very big on ex's keeping in touch with one another and remaining friends - which is good, as i don't think i could handle linda being with someone who hated me for no other reason than i had been with linda first. i haven't (officially) met nikki yet...i think that will come some time next week...and it may sound silly, but i just want to give her a big hug...but enough of this for now...i need food. (yes, i am eating again *yay*)..
i'm sure i'll be back with more.
~dannii
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jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble