well i decided to come into uni today even though it's my day off...i have just come from linda's place where i collected some more of my stuff, but i couldn't stand the thought of sitting alone in my lonely little room and unpacking it all.
part of me thinks "just wait dannii, things might change"...but another part of me knows that this is all over - and i am going to spend the next few years living with my parents and pining for my lost linnie...well....hopefully i won't still be living with them for that long
when i was at her house earlier on i had a bit of a cry...the place just seems so different now. luckily she wasn't there coz i hate crying in front of her. i don't know what i hate most - her seeing me at my most pathetic and vulnerable, or just knowing that no many how much it hurts or how many tears i shed that nothing is going to change.

i called her a few times last nite (both at home and on her mobile) and she didn't answer...nor did she return my call. this morning when i got there the house looked like no one had been there, so i just assume that linnie spent last nite at someone elses house. i know it's none of my business what she does, and i know that it shouldn't matter - but it hurts. we went from inseperable to this - and i just don't know how to turn all the feelings off.

kate and simone have been keeping me pretty well occupied, but my friends can't be with me 24/7 - and it's the times that i am alone that i just want to breakdown.

i had to go see the university counsellor last nite because i needed a certificate as i missed my science exam. she was a nice little woman, and she asked me if i'd wailed yet. she said that just breaking down and wailing my heart out would do wonders for me - but i am not so sure. i have cried...and cried and cried...and each time i think "this is the last time...there are no more tears left" but then i will just cry again. i know i will.

i think the thing that upsets me the most at the moment is living with my folks...they aren't bad people...and they spoil me like crazy...but they just don't understand that i am just really emotional right now. my mum is worried about me (she told simone that she had never seen me like this before) and i know she can't possibly understand what i'm feeling...but i just wish she would let me deal...to just let me grieve. losing a relationship requires as much grieving as losing a life does - only at the end of it all you still have the luxury of being able to go and visit the person you grieve for. hopefully at the end of all this (maybe in a month...maybe in two) linda and i will be able to hang out and laugh and just be mates...i want that...granted, i would much prefer we got back together - but if i can't have that i will gladly settle for just being her friend.

i have been dreaming of her a lot, lately, too...always the same kind of dreams...me not being able to get to her. last nite i dreamt that she was lost in a house with many many rooms, and i could hear her calling me but i couldn't find her. and each time i did get close to her a trap door would open and send me right back to the front door..very frustrating. lately i've also been dreaming of sharks. actually, i have pretty much always dream't of sharks. i don't know exactly what it symbolises, but i think it has something to do with a predator and my own insecurities and jealousies. i'm not normally a jealous person, but for the last year and a bit linda has had a friend that i have found a little threatening. i know that they're just friends and that there has never been anything sexual between them, but i could never ever get past my little green monster long enough to just relax around this friend. when i spoke to linda today (yes - i was pathetic and actually called her at work) she said she was off to a BBQ tonite...so i am guessing she is gonna be at this friends place (let's just call her renee). i don't mind renee...deep down she is actually a nice person...i could just never handle the way that her and my linnie flirted...i think i was also threatened by the fact that renee was a friend that i could never be to linda...she was everything that i wanted to be..but i never knew how. there was a time there where i went on a renee hating rampage coz i was misguiding my jealousy at her...but looking back linda was just as much (if not more) at fault for flirting. afterall, renee was pretty much single, and linda was in a relationship - so i figure the chick in a relationship should know better than a chick who's single.<

but enough of this for now...my tummy is grumbling and i am in desperate need for food.

later

~dannii

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