the last few days have possibly been the most difficult that i've ever had to get thru. yeah sure, i've had girlfriends before and i've been dumped before...but I don't think that anything has ever been as painful and confusing as this.
i think that i have spent the greater part of this past week crying..and it's pretty exhausting. i tried to promise myself that i wouldn't cry anymore, but that only made it worse...
it's pretty hard being without linda. i know that she is only in the next town, or even just a phone call away...but it's just weird knowing that no matter what happens, i'm no longer going to jump into bed with her and curl up by her side...i'm not going to be able to just cuddle her anymore...it's the little things that will be the hardest to change. yesterday she drove me home (coz my parents forgot about me) and i just sat in the back of the car. normally i would have jumped in the passenger seat next to her and played with her hair...or grabbed her hand while she rested it on the gear stick...but yesterday all i wanted to do was sit behind her and start practicing just "being friends".
it was linda's idea that we spilt up (actually, she dumped me, but that's not a very nice way to put it) and she's been very big on the "let's be friends" thing. i do want to be friends tho..i really do...i just don't know how long it's going to take for me to accept it.
i think i will always want to touch her...
to hold her...
to reach over and just kiss her on the cheek.
when we were together, the one thing i used to love doing was leaning into her and smell her hair...to just inhale her scent...i know that probably sounds corny...but it was just so wonderful....she was wonderful. sure we fought...we screamed...we made each other just want to stab the other in the jugular with a fork....but at the end of the day we just held each other and slept. i know we had our problems...some big...some small...but i always thought that we would eventually work pass them. i really did.
sometimes i wonder if linda left me because she really did stop loving me...or because she was just bored with the idea of us and thought that we'd never change.
not long ago she emailed me and told me that she felt that we were "stuck in a rut"..and i agree, we were stuck in a rut..but it was a rut that i thought that we could just work our way out of. i mean, my relationship with linda didn't exactly have the most normal of beginnings...
when we got together, linda was married...and she'd been married for the last 18 years. her husband, col, was a great guy who was more than happy to accept that his wife had a chick for a fuck friend. and that's pretty much what we were in the beginning. it wasn't until about 6 months into being fuck-buddy's that linda and i said those 3 little words that changed everything.
i miss those 3 little words...mind you, it had been a while since i heard them, but still...i miss them terribly. to hear linda say "i love you" would make all the pain, and the bitching and the fighting just disappear. sure it never ever made the issues disappear, but it made that horrible feeling of dread go away.
i've been thinking alot lately that it's going to take me a very long time to get over her...(hence the need to vent to a computer)..linda is everything that i've known for the last 2 years....the last 735 days..the last 17640 hours...we lived together...slept together...ate together...cried together...sometimes even used the toilet together. no matter how i was feeling or what i was doing...i could always look up and see her...or at least know that she would be home soon.
since we broke up i have been collecting every photo of her that i can...i have been sticking them in this little black book that has unofficially become my bible..
it is full of her...her image...her words...old emails, cards and letters...i guess that probably makes me sound like a stalker - but it's just refreshing to have all of these things that remind me of her at hand. mind you i keep it hidden right down the bottom and at the back of my book case...out of sight from the prying eyes of my family...but i know it's there. i had been writing in it, kind of like a journal, but was was worried that someone would find it and read it and make a mockery out of my already exposed feelings...so at least with this on-line thing the changes of anyone i know ever finding it and reading it are pretty slim.
but on that note i need to go...i'm sure i will be back tomorrow with more waffle about my sad pathetic existence..
~dannii
0 comment so far..
jul 2 - fuckers
jun 13 - bored
may 11 - GAMSAT
april 20 - adios
apr 13 - babble