i have decided that i am going to delete my other diary..the one where i write all the sad/pathetic dramatic stuff about my dad.

i started that diary because i needed to vent and let some stuff out that i felt wasn't appropriate in here - but then i realised i should be putting that knida stuff in here. afterall, when i started this diary i promised myself that i wouldn't hold back - because this is my place to vent.
my therapy
so i'm not going to hold back, anymore..

the grrl and i fight lots lately.
and i know it's because i'm so fucked up and frustrated a the moment and rather than just admit i'm sad and dont know how to deal with it - i lash out at her and hide my sadness behind anger.
only, it's not fair of me to do that to her anymore.
she is my partner, and i should share everything with her.
afterall, she is the one person who wont ever judge me because of it.

so here it is..my *coming out*, as such..
my name's dannii..and i've spent the last 10 months (almost to the day) trying to convince myself ans everyone else that i'm ok.
that i'm over it.
but i'm not.
and it's affecting me and those that care for me.

this morning she sent me an email..a lovely email..but one i haven't yet replied to..
"If you think i didnt share your pain when your Dad died, you are wrong. If you think i dont see your ongoing pain, then you are WRONG. If you think that I dont feel HELPLESS because you wont deal with it or talk to me or anyone else about it, you are SO VERY WRONG. "
i know now that i am wrong. and being wrong about this stuff isn't very productive..

sometimes i will think about something and just become overwhelmed with emotion.
sometimes i feel i need to let all those emotions out.
but most of the time i dont know how.
so i pick. i pick on her. i pick at her. i pick pick pick and pick until she gets fed up and we fight about it.
and when i am here, in this house, and in this room - i pick even more.

i know i have a lot of stuff in my head to work out. but i dont seem to be able to make a start. sometimes when i'm away from her, i think i can do it..but then i miss her so much that i lose focus of my original plan, and end up obsessing over how much i just want to be back at home with her.
sometimes i feel that my dumping my issues on her are unfair, coz she has enough stress in her life and doesn't need the added burden of mine. but by not burdening her, i know that i make her worrry - and the worrying in itself is a burden.
not only that, but i do feel that there's not much anyone can do for me.
i dont think that talking is the answer.
support isn't the answer.
because noone out there knows me quite like i know myself, so i always opt to deal with things on my own.
i always have..and i doubt that that will ever change.

so i turn to this place...my diary...and hopefully me being more open and emotional in here will be a good place to start.



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