ok, so i said i wasn't going to write about her in here anymore...but this isn't writing about her as such, rather i'm going to bore you all with the details of last night's dream - which she happened to be in..

it was beautiful...truely...somehow we had gotten back together...we were back in the house...and every thing was perfect.
then i woke up. and it wasn't so perfect anymore
/rant.

i only woke up cuz my stupid alarmm went off. i tried dozing back into the dream..but it didn't work. then i woke up 20minutes later (6.15am) realising i was now going to be late for work. so i called them...told them i'd be late...jumped in the shower...ironed my uniform...got dressed..then realised i have training today so i don't even have to be there until 9am!!!! d'oh!.
but it's prolly a good thing that i woke up when i did...or god only knows where that dream could have gone...
so yeah..

she is back and haunting my dreams, though..with a vengence.

the other night, after going to visit her...goobs and i holed up in my favourite little skanky motel in elwood...and poor goobs had to share a bed with me...and she said i kicked and twisted and turned and groaned all night - and i knew exactly why..because i was dreaming about chasing her.
i know i do it to myself, though...i put these images of her in my head..and then i almost obsess over them...and before i know it they consume me.
and not in that "ohhh baby that feels so good" way of being consumed...but rather, the "i'd give anything to let this go" kinda way.
it's my own fault, though...i know that...
people have said to me "damn dan..just let it go"..and i've tried and i've tried...i've done counselling and gone to the shrink....i've written about it....i've vented about it....i've cried until i reached dehydration. i've gone out...i've met people...i've dated and slept around...i've tried hating her...i've done it all.
but to no avail...
she's there...cemented...just like she's always been...just like she most likely always will be...

but for now, i'm really going to go.
no matter how much i write on this topic...or how many different ways i dissect it...i know that nothing will ever change.

she's there...under my skin...and at the moment, i know she's not going anywhere.





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