WARNING :- sambo babble alert

so today would have been our anniversary...wow...i can't believe how much time has passed since we first got together...and it's amazing to think of how much time has past since we split.

so much has gone on and changed in my life...yet still, still she holds such a huge part of my heart...which is scary...
sometimes i wonder if she'll ever go away...or will she always linger there? i guess it's not a bad thing...her memory really isn't doing any harm...but really, i wish i knew why i have such a hard time letting that memory disappear.

i went through my laptop before..wading through the 3,000+ emails she sent me between jan 2003(when we first broke up) to jan 2004 (when we finally broke up)...3,000 emails...that's an average of 100 a day...wow...and i used to bitch that we never communicated..*laughs*
i spent almost an hour reading them...remembering where i was and what we had done on the days they were written...and it was such a bumpy trip down memory lane...lots of highs...and a few lows... but most of them good - either oozing with love or trying to salvage something that we both felt was worthwhile...
and they reminded me of so many things i had forgotten.
since the break up, i've focused so much on all the bad shit, and on how she was evil, and horried and how she broke my heart...but these emails pait such a different picture..of how i was less than the perfect hard-done-by girl that everyone thought i was..
i was so horrid to her..
so much so, that i'm kinda glad that she was so nasty to me throughout our final break up..if for no other reason than to get even..
there was one email from her in particular, that i'd forgotten was ever written, and that had me crying like a baby..
"its weird.. i love my family too.. but really, they are no longer MY family.. you are my family...when it comes to living life, sure my family will always be there, but they have their own lives. You are someone that i dont have a life without.. so that makes you my immediate family. you are my world."
this is from the same chick that i used to curse and swear about..the same one i referred to as a cunt and spent so much time trying to hate...it's weird, cuz through everything sam and i ever went through, i always knew that she loved me. i mean..i flirted with other chicks..i even fucked someone else..and she still fought to get me back. she did whatever she had to to get my attention and win my affection, and i STILL managed to fuck it up..
but i learnt some good lessons..and now i know what to do in my next relationship..which is one positive..
actually, i probably sounds like i am on a downer when really, i'm not..
even though i miss what i had with sambo...i know my life is great..it is..even though i sometimes sound like a pathetic sack-o-shit that can't be deconsaminated...i am pretty happy with where i am at..
i'm sure i probably felt something similar to this when linnie and i broke up..and then i found sam and life was wonderful..and sam and i broke up so i'm sure there is something great out there just waiting for me to find it..it may even be the chicky interstate...but i'm not planning on anything. if nothing else i have learned that life works in mysterious ways...and when i least expect it i will trip over something great.
i have a friend in canberra who is convinced that one day sam and i will cross paths again and end up back together and live happily ever after. this friend truely believes (and possibly prays *L*) that sam and i will grow older and wiser and bump into each other and rekindle a spark that may have truely never been extinguished. and while i do not share her certainty on this topic, i do think it's a nice thought..weird...but nice.
i remember i once wrote that while i know i am capable of finding someone and falling in love again, i doubt very much that i would ever love anyone quite like how i loved her. even with linda...with how much she meant to me and how absolutely devistated i was when we split, it was nothing like this. within months of losing linda i had moved on and settled into domestic bliss with the grrl...but here i am, almost a year since the domestic bliss was shattered, i'm only just beginning to seriously think about letting someone else into my heart.
someone told me that my hesitation isn't really a by-product of a broken heart, but rather i have learnt many valuable lessons from the split that has made me wiser and more wary..
sometimes i worry that my (open and often expressed)thoughts on the grrl are just too much and could possibly turn potential *love interests* off...afterall, how weird would it feel to be wanting to get with someone that feels about their ex the way i do about the grrl...but then i think i'd appreciate my honestly rather than persuing someone who secretly obsessed (not that i'm saying i'm obsessing) about some lost love. my biggest worry (at the moment...cuz i'm sure i'll grow out of all of this) is that i will meet someone and fall in love with someone and they will have issues (especially if they ever read all the crap i have in this diary)...i mean..there's some scary shit in here...and it's not all that long ago that i declared that even if i lived to be 100 i would never love someone else the way that i loved her...and that really is true. i'm not saying that i'm not capable of opening my heart and loving again...i'm just not capable of loving that way again...does that make sense??
i once saw a movie where are guy had a similar thing with his ex and his new girlfriend was all freaked about it...and one day the new girlfriend asked the guy if he loved his ex more than he loved her..and the guy responded "i don't love her more than you...i've just loved her longer..."...and i so knew exactly what he was getting at. while i have great faith that i'll fall head over heels in love with my ms right...i do know that that love won't be any less than what i felt for sambo...it'll just be very different.

anyway..

i could honestly fill volumes with my thoughts on the grrl and our relationship..but i'm sure you're all bored to tears hearing about it..
i just wanted to vent...to let shit out that i'd been thinking about...even thought most of it makes no sense at all, i feel better now..
anyway...i over the last hour i did manage to delete a few ot the old emails...i've only got 1,100 saved instead of 3,000...which has gotta be a step forward *laughs*

now if only i could part with the photos...cards...love letters and gifts...



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