ali confuses me..she really does...
the old saying "actions speak louder than words" seems quite appropriate here..because, although she tells me one thing..her body language seems to be screaming something totally different. who knows, i may be wrong..i may just be seeing what i want to see..but what she says and how she acts does not go hand in hand..

ok..so zoom forward almost 2 hours and 3 glasses of baileys...

after our little chat before i couldn't help myself...i had to know and say some things...i just sent her a semi drunken email, and now that it's all been said and done, i must make a mental note to stop sending drunken emails..
they're not becoming..
but..i guess..at the end of the day i'm not emailing her because i like hearing the clickity-clack of my keyboard...no siree...it's because i have a right to know the answers to these things on my mind...it's not a bad thing to want to know why she says the things she says while acting the way she does..
someone telling me that they do not want anything from me is one thing...but having that very same person reach out for me in the middle of the night and curl up and cling to me as if their very life depended on it is another..
just like i said earlier - actions speak louder than words.

tonight while chatting she was talking about age differences and how they can affect relationship...i can't help but think she was hinting at the 12 years between us. she said something about the younger partner being "held back"...and while i can't help but think she was talking about us...i'd like to think she wasn't...cuz the whole age thing to me, is irrelevant...and it pisses me off to think that someone would stop something for a mere 12 years difference...
to me age is about as relevant as shoe size. even less...
i dunno..
i think tonite i am even more confused than ever.

this afternoon while out shopping, mum, pog and i decided to go to ali's so i could get a suit to wear to this interview tomorrrow..and she seemed so sad..i dunno if she's sad at me or sad in general or just sick...but she's not that fun-lovin, funky chick that used to greet me...it's as if something in her has gone...
it's pretty fucked up when i feel like this..because while i usually do not assume that anything is to do with me...in this case, i can not help but think that i have something to do with what's going on...and if i do, i do think that i deserve to know.

now...where did i put my drink??



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