alison and i went out to dinner last night...and spent the entire time there bitching and moaning about chicks and how they mess with our heads...which looking back, is kinda ironic, considering the amount of combined head-fucking her and i get up to *laughs*...but it was nice.
was weird, though..cuz we were tucked away in a nice lil romantic resturant just down the road from where sam lives...and i was having all kinds of visions about her walking past and seeing us and taking it the wrong way and having it look..oh i dunno...i was just worried she was going to see me. or us. or that i was going to see her and flip out or something.
yes boys and girls..she is still that deep under my skin. although i say "i am ok, i am over it.." i am not.
i am totally fucked up and in need of a sam-ectomy..because this is not healthy..
i put on a brave face in public..but in private i spend way too much time thinking about her and how i'm a fucking fool and all that jazz..

last nite..before going to bed i was thinking heaps about her (her picture is the background on my phone..and i stared at it until i fell asleep *sighs*)..so of course...i dream't about her...all night..all kinds of different dreams...from horrid and nasty to kinky and sexual..and the one i remember most from this morning was just really loving. of course, alison was in it...and there was a little "choose me or her" theme...but it was mostly with sam following me around (at the horse races, of ALL places) pleading with me to take her back...which, of course, i did...and it was one of those dreams where i would have woken up smiling...if alison hadn't have poked me and rudely slapped me back into the reality where sam and i are not a happy couple..
but after that dream..i just snoozed on and off and remember just dreaming about her..and us..it wasn't really like dreaming...more like memories of us running through my head as if i was watching old home movies..it was nice...but of course i did have to eventually want up in a bed alone..so yeah..it's fucked i tell ya, f-u-c-k-e-d.
and to kinda compound it

she emailed me this morning. i love getting emails from her - because any contact is good contact, right? - but it does my head in. she was telling me why she has trust issues with me (the whole alison thing) and how i was so nasty to her when we broke up...and i just read it and couldn't stop crying and crying and crying...there were times when sam shitted me to no end and i just wanted to slap her..but also..she was my sammie..my grrl...and i fucking love(d) her..and she was such a huge part of my life and my existence..and there were times when we were so happy. sure we had issues and troubles..and i would rant and rave about how i didn't want to deal with it anymore..when i should have been thinking of ways to deal with it better..
in my reply to her email , i told her all about how i am feeling..and how my head is fucked and my heart is still very full of her..and she will either use this knowledge to help me out, or fuck me up even more...but i'm willing to take that chance cuz i just wanted to open up and be truthful with her...it's becoming oh-so-much of a hassle to be putting on this shitty brave face and lie about how i'm so over her..when that couldn't be furhter from the truth.
i did, however, tell her that i think it would help me if i knew she had moved on and was with someone..so i told her to just tell me she's met someone/in love/engaged/married...something..anything to make me realise there is no chance (no matter how small) so that i can pack up my issues and move on...because...as much as it sounds like i am dwelling on a past that doesn't want me - i'm just having a hard time letting go of something that i really want to.

but i should go...i could write on this topic until the cows came home - and it still wouldn't make any more sense to me that it.



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