i was nasty to her tonite..

when she finally gave me to ISP password so that i could check my email...i asked her to come online...i didn't think she would, but she did, and i was just a pure ass..

i dont know why i felt so compelled to give her grief...but i couldn't stop myself.
i know she's not feeling the best at the moment, but fuck it, either am i..and i'm so sick of her kicking me while i am down, and shattering my soul...so it was nice to have a little control back. even if it was only for 10minutes and the outcome is that i possibly could have destroyed someone that i truely loved and genuinely care about...but i dont care...because i am so fucking sick of her treating me like trash that will always be there waiting for her to throw some attetnion or affection to. i am better than that..and i deserve more..

she has fucked with my head and my heart so severely over the last few months (these last 2 weeks have been particularly exhausting)...and i just want to get away from her. i did want to try and keep contact and do the friends thing..but she's driving me so fucking insane that its better for all involved if there is no contact.

i just sent her a "i will never contact you again" email...and wouldn't you know, i left something out so i had to send a follow up *L*..it's pathetic, i know...but hey, what can i say...i'm in a pathetic mood at the moment.

robert asked me today if he could have the flowers from my father's casket that were at sams house..i told him of course he could...but i doubt very much now that she will give me any of my stuff back..yes...she is going to be that much of a cunt...under normal circumstances i wouldn't care...but...he's a 10 year old boy...and he doesn't understand how deteriorating relationships can turn nasty, and how people can become vindictive..he just wants some dried out and schrivelled up carnations that he last saw on his poppy's casket..
i do not know if she would be evil enough to keep them from him..but she seems to think i owe her an awful lot of money (relationship tax, i would assume) so i'm doubtingi will see anything of mine that is at her house until i pay her in full (and then some)...so who knows..

i don't really care about the flowers...they mean nothing to me...and i dont need them to remind me of either my father's life or death...but i have a 10 year old boy here that does want them...so hopefully she won't be the monster than i often think she is capable of being.



0 comment so far..