she told me tonite that up until i told her i fucked someone else, she had been reconsidering our *break up*...which is such a fucking crock-o-shit...because if that really were the case, she would not have:-
(1)told me she didn't want to be in a realtionship with me
(2)told me that she no longer loved me
(3)threatened me with the whole visa thing
so i told her to stop telling me such bullshit, because we all know that she has no intention whatsoever of taking me back..but even if she did...i have no intention of going...but it just irks me that she would say that too me...because she knows how i have so many "what if" scenarios going through my head..

2 weeks ago..when she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with me..i was very honest and told her i was scared to move on in case she had a change of heart and she really wanted to be with me but wouldn't get back with me because i'd have moved on or done something she wouldn't like/approve of (pathetic, i know) and she told me not to be silly..
but today...i tell her i've sleptwith someone else and she goes postal..and then throws the "well now you've really blown your chance" at me.
i think..if sam really loved me and had any intention of wanting to make some good out of all this diarrhoea, then she would have done it long ago...not left me waiting for almost 2 weeks. but i wouldn't go now even if she wanted...i coudn't go...because my poor bruised and battered heart couldn't take another beating like this one..
there was a time (not so very long ago) where i truely believed that sam and i were going to get to share forever..that all this shit as just silly little tests that life was throwing at us...to see if we'd pass...to see if we could really make it in the long run...but i was wrong...or i was right and this is a test but we failed miserably.

i think my friend chele summed it up perfectly tonite
"i'm still inclined to believe sam is meant fo you, and she's just a jackass and fucking with destiny"
mind you...even if she is truely mean't for me..it doesn't matter anymore, anyway...because things have been done and said that we could never undo or take back..



0 comment so far..