i haven't updated for a few days, because apart from long hours at work, sam killed my internet connection (*surprise, surprise*)..
she changed the password on me to use it, even after we agreed that i would remain use it until the last 3 months of the contract ran out.
i mean..now that she has ADSL she doesn't even need it..but it's obviously better for the connection to not be used than for someone to actually get some enjoyment out of it - because that is how she would think.

anyway...today....after much SMS awfulness...i finally 'fessed up and told her that i fucked someone else. more out of spite then me feeling guilty about it and genuinely wanting to clear my conscience..
after the last few weeks, i've just gotten really sick of her emotional blackmail and powergames, and i wanted to start playing back..and the only real weapon i have is knowing that i fucked someone else..and yes...i'm a cunt...but yes, i wanted to hurt her. wasn't going to..but after the grief she's caused me in the last 6 months, i thought fuck it, why not. it's not my best moment..not something i'm overly proud of..but fuck me if for 10 seconds i was the one who got to feel in charge of this fucked up little ego-wounding war of hers..so yeah...i did it...i'm a bitch...but i do feel a little it better about myself.
needless to say she asked me who it was with, and when it happened...but i simply replied "that's none of your business anymore, is it".
i think she's terrified of the thought that i could have possibly fucked around on her while we were together..but i didn't...sam and i weren't together when it happened...and after finding out yesterday that i was delusional in thinking that sam and i were going to get back together, it also didn't happen in between us being a couple..so yeah...fuck her...it is none of her business.
i just wish i knew it was she really doesn't want me..but she doesn't want anyone else to have me, either..if sam called me now and told me she'd met someone and she was happy and blah blah blah...sure...i would be slightly wounded (ok, a lot) but part of me would be like "oohh...good for her". because no matter what, i've shared 3 years of my life with the grrl, and i DO want her to be happy...even if it is not with me..

well..i'd like it to be with me..but i know that that will never happen..too much has been said and done..

so yeah..

i spent most of this morning at linda's catching up with the old gang (sans kater and ant, including mum and pog)..it was good to see everyone, and while my sucky love-life was the main topic of conversation, it was good to see them all together again.. and in keep going with the friendship and "let's-make-dannii-laugh-to-keep-her-thoughts-off-the-sam-saga" theme, we're all catching up again at trish's tonite for dinner..
as much as i bitch and complain about my fucked up relationship..i know i'm lucky having some of the great friends that i have..because no matter how much time passes, or how much water runs under that bridge, when we do catch up again it's like no time has passed at all..and everything is picked up right where it left off.
but this thing with sam has taught me that i do need to appreciate my friends a bit more when i get into relationships..afterall, grrls come and go...but the great mates last forever (or at least a tad longer than the grrls)..

ok...enough shit dribbling from me...
i've got a dinner to get to.



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