sometimes i get so sad and fucked up and i cry so much, that it truely scares me.
i fall into such a bleak and depressing hole that nothing seems right...and i seriously worry that i wont ever be able to climb out again...that i'll be stuck here in this sawful place, until god only knows when.
and right now, i seem to be at the very bottom of that hole..
i've been here on-and-off for a little while now...but at the moment, i feel like i'm at the lowest i've ever been, and i dont see myself being able to climb out any time soon.
instead, i just want to cry and cry and say awful things and drag sam down in here with me, to make her feel as bad as i'm feeling - just so someone else can share this pain..

it's hard for me to put into words what's going on in my head at the moment..because even i dont really understand it all...because there is so much whizing around..
but what i do know, is that something is going to have to give soon..

i love my grrl so much...god knows i do...but i hate this relationship and where we're at right now.
i hate it so much..and it upsets me so much...that there are some nights where i just cry myself to sleep.
last night was one of those nights.
and it seems like tonite will be one, too..

dont get me wrong..
i love sam..
i love her more than anything..
but i hate where we are..as a couple..in this relationship.
i want so much for us...to build a life together...to do all the wonderful things that couples do..
but next year with my grad year, and having to be away at least 10shifts a fortnite, i know that none of that is going to happen..
if anything..next year is going to be even more unbearable and push us further apart than this last year has..

the thought of next year..and being away those 10nights a fortnight is terrifying me like nothing else ever has..

yesterday sam and i fought..over something silly and trivial..but it all came from my fear and frustration about next year and being stuck in this awful rut that we can't get out of. this morning, everything was good and i thought i was over it..but tonite, sam and i were talking about next year and she said soemthing that had me spiralling straight back down into it.

it's been almost 3 years....3 years of living in 2 places...of constantly travelling...or making sure i always have my toothbrush in my back pack. and while i know i could not possibly expect her to give up everything she's worked for to come live with me...it truely is what would make me happiest.
i know in my heart..that i can not do this 1/2 relationship any longer...after almost 3 years, i've had more than my fair share of nights away from her. and i dont want any more..
i know i'm thinking unreasonable thoughts..
i know i could never in good conscience ask her to give everything here in melbourne up to come and build a life with me..(even if only for a year)
but god damn, that's what i'd like right about now.

i just had 8 days away from her...8 days of what was supposed to be a holiday in tasmania...and it was such a long 8 days because all i could think about was sam.
from the moment she dropped me off at the boat...until the morning she picked me up - she was all i thought about.
and in those 8 days i realised how bloody unbearable next year's 10 shifts away was going to be. even if i didn't have to do 10 shifts in a row...even if it's only 5..that's still 5 nights away from her for every night i'll get to spend with her..
and the thought of that makes me crazy..
becausefor the first time ever, i've found someone that i simply don't want to be away from...i've got someone that i want to commit totally to..to be with and build a life with and to do all the things that couples are supposed to to..
not that sam and i have been much of a couple recently..i mean..not that things are horrible..but we're just not how i believe or feel a couple should be. not that that makes me love her any less...but i'll be honest in saying that i do want more..

i just what us to be how we used be..like how we were when we first got together - and all that we worried about was when we were going to see each other next..and what mountains we'd have to move in order to see each other sooner.
that's what i want..
and i wish i could believe that i was going to get it.

i tried talking to her tonite..which is something that i dont normally do because i know that my thoughts either piss her off or make her cry...so i try to keep things to myself unless i totally can't..but tonite i tried telling her..and all she could think of saying was "well maybe you should end it"..
i dont want to fucking end it..i want to make it work. i want to move heaven and earth and change things..but i can't..because it's hard to try and change something, when one part of the couple doesn't seem to want to make any change.
i have no doubt in my head that she loves me. no doubt at all..but i do doubt that she wants to try to change..because i've been screaming out for change for so long now and nothing really seems to change (well..not for more than a day, anyway..)...and i dunno..

i'm crying again..
so i think i'm just going to go to bed and try to sleep it off and just stop caring..



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