she called me this morning..but i missed her call..
not wanting to rush out and sms her and seeem too keen...i waited 3 hours until i got online, asking about the missed call.
she said "i thought you might have wanted to speak to me"...
but i told her i'd already said everything that i could possibly say...and anything further would be up to her..
i dont think she liked that..
i dont know...but i think she may be expecting me to come back again...
but i'm not..
i can't..
each time my heart gets broken..
and i spend days or weeks putting it back together..
and i'm not preparred to do that anymore..
because...you can only break anything so many times before the pieces stop fitting back together..and i think my heart is beginning to get a bit like that..

i feel bad for being so *upfront* in my emails to her...but she needs to know that i'm not going to come back time after time after time after time...
i'm no longer preparred to run band forth to melbourne...to try and make peace...only to be put back in my box and sent on my way..

if she loves me...and wants me back - fine.
if she doesn't - fine, too..
i just don't want her to seem like she wants me back, only to send me packing anyway.
i can't take it any more..

i know i am not perfect..and i have been a cunt..
but i went there the other nite with my tail between my legs and my pride in shatters...all to let it be known i was preparred to do whatever it took..and she crushed me..several times..

and i know she has her own problems and issues...but i have mine...and i don't want to be let down anymore...

so when i told her i was no longer going to let it be known about what i wanted..her reply was "fine"...heaven forbid she actually open up or do anything or say anything to make me feel a little better...or to shed a little light.
sure...she's said some stuff to excuse some of her actions...stuff that i can't really put in here because it's not my place to share her issues with the world...but there are issues...and they are bigger than both of us...she (unlike myself) doesn't believe that anything can be dealt with and overcome...

anyway..

my point was..
i had tried..
i've made the effort...
i went to melbourne to try and sort stuff out - and it all turned to shit. and i was crushed again.
so i WON'T try anymore.

i think i have done more than enough to keep that relationship going...and i'm not just saying that to make myself feel or look good.
it's true.
i've tried until i was fucking blue in the face..

and now...if she wants anything...then she can fucking come to me and let me know.
i'm not playing games or going on an ego trip..
it's just how it has to be this time..



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