...i went to melbourne last nite..

no..not to go out clubbing with the spunky chick...but rather to go see the grrl...despite it all, i am human and i wanted to discuss our relationship (even lack of it) face-to-face..but my trip did not turn out as i had planned...
nor was my welcoming anything like the truely romantic experience that i had daydreamed on my trip down there...in fact, i had hoped that she'd give me just a little credit for driving 2 hours in shitty weather with a thumping headache just to see her..to want to be in the same room wth her...but no..in fact, all i got was a "what do you want...what are you doing here?"...
it's my own fault though...i really really should have known better..

i know now it's over though...
i know that in my heart.

funnily enough yesterdays horrorscope now tells me "People may be somewhat selfish and self-centered today, but this doesn't mean that you need to be too, dear Aquarius. Remind others of the importance of the collective, and that we all need to pitch in and do our part to be happy. You have the ability to offer a great deal of balance to the situation, and you should definitely put this to the test. Do what you can to make the scales tip back to center."...hmph..what a crock of shit...
i tried and tried and tried...i was selfless...sacrificing, even...and it did nothing but tip the scales even more against me..

i slept on the couch last nite...only because she made it quite clear that me being closer than 5feet to her made her physically ill. i would have left all togther, but in my state, i wouldn't have gotten very far. so i swallowed my pride and slept on the fucking couch...in her fuckin lounge room...
and it was one of the worst nites sleeep that i've had in a long time.

so this morning..i went into her room and she was in a much better mood...she was actually talking to me (considering she did nothing but scream at me last nite - that was a nice change)...so i layed on the bed...and we talked...and laughed...and she even hugged me...she actually reached over and touched me..and my heart stopped..
it was as if i had never been touched before...so i snuggled close up to her and just started crying - cuz i was so happy..
in case you hadn't guessed - i'm one of these pathetic saps that can forgive, forget and overlook anything if i get a hug...
so i'm laying there...tight besides her... and i'm restraining myself so much not to just burst into pathetic tears of happiness..cuz i'm just so happy that she's actually giving me some attention and affection...but me also being me mistook it for something that it wasn't...
i thought maybe she'd realised we were both being rash and harsh and nasty..and that we had both been wrong...but i couldn't have been further from the truth...cuz later on...after she had her shower she made a point of slamming the door shut on me so that i couldn't see her. at first i thought she was just foolin around...but when i asked her why she was hiding she replied "it's inappropriate for you to see me naked now that we're not together"...
so my heart fell out my ass..and my pride kinda rolled over and died...
so i left..
it was really shitty icing on an already fuckin awful cake..
so i left..
and head high i walked out to my car..
but she followed...to hand me a fucking towel of all things..and i wish she hadn't...because i really didn't wanna see her.
i think she was waiting for me to talk to her..but i couldn't.
even i am not that pathetic.

i can't explain exactly what it was about having her lecture me on appropriate behaviour that offended me so much...but i knew right then that it was my que to go.
it's going to be hard severing the ties with her...because she's been such a big part of my life for so long...but i know that what sam and i do to each other is unhealthy.

sure...i could go back...and i'm sure i will be tempted...hell - i may even do it if given the chance...but i know it's bad for me. i've known that for a long time..
but i also know that nothing will ever change...

sam will be sam...dannii will be dannii...and never again will we be compatible..

i used to have these fucked up romantic notions about love and life...
and i used to believe that a real, true love could conquer anything..
but i know now that we need more.

i just hope i figure out exactly what that *more* ingredient is before i get too old and bitter..



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