i went to the rainbow room tonite..and it just fucking sucked...not the people, or the place..but rather because i spent the entire night facing the door and waiting for the grrl to walk through..
..in fact..my friends had made bets on whether or not she would show..
but she didn't...and even when the clock struck midnight and i knew she wouldn't...i couldn't bring myself to stop looking..
just in case i was wrong..

everyone out tonite was paired-up and coupled. everyone except for me..which feels awful because that's not entirely true. i do have a girlfriend...she is just never with me when she should be...and each time i'm reminded of that it cuts me like the sharpest of knives...
i sat back and watched linnie and nene, and kater and ant, and ren and joh...i watched every little thing that they all did to one another...and i am sick of living viacriously through them...
it's almost pathetic..
i want my own partner...to kiss and hold and grind against...to laugh with and smile at and go home with and fuck senseless..
i dont think i want very much..but, because of how much trouble i seem to have to go to to get it, i must be..

before (like 20min ago) i was thinking about my ite..and just started crying...i cried..and cried and cried...i cried for the everything that i want, and for the nothing that i seeem to get...i cried because everyone around me can achieve happiness, and i cant...i cried because i feel so fucking pathetic...and i am sick of living like this..

i sms'd her a few times tonite..about how i would have liked to see her...but she did not reply...it wasn't until i msg'd her at 3am that she took notice and replied. i originally sms'd her saying "i wone be coming to melb tomorrow, because i have work", and all she could muster was a "fine"..yeh...great...my heart is fuckin broken in two and bleeding out and all she has to say is fine...
so i wrote back that i wanted to end it, because i'm sick of waiting - and she questioned whether or not i'd gotten a bit tonite...typical of her, because apparently i'd only make that kind of decision after fucking around. it's great to see she has such faith in me..which is simply another reason why this is going nowhere fast..

in my last sms (before turning my phone off) i told her that if she really wanted this/me/us to work then she would make an effort...she would go out of her way, and she would make some effort...
i know that she won't..
but i had to ask..

anyway..

i did not get a bit tonite..but fuck me i would have loved to have. it seems that the longer all this goes on, the more my frustrations (sexual or otherwise) increase...and that's bad...because i know how i am when i get like this...and it doens't alaywa turn out pretty..
all this stuff with the grrl and i is not a sex thing, though...but fuck me if some sex wouldn't make it all seem ok for a lil while at the moment...

having said that, i'm going to go to bed...