so i've been thinking a lot about my relationship lately...i feel that it's falling apart...or at the very least, slowly coming to an end...
i love my grrl..more than i could ever put into words in this meduim - but i'm at that point in my life where i want more than love..
i want some intensity passion and desire, and a lil bit of good, old-fashioned, hard-core sex wouldn't go astray, either..
but at the moment, well..for the last 10 months...i haven't really had much of any of that...and i've gotta say...i'm almost becoming obsessed...i want all these things...that thesedays i seeem to be looking past my partner and wondering who else i can find them with..
and recently, i'm noticing that more often than not i am actually looking at my friends in less-than-innocent ways..wondering, if possibly, any of them can give me what it is i am craving so much at the moment...which, i must say, is a frightening thought. i've never been one of these people that's secretly lusted after her mates...but now i am...and it's disturbing me.
i'm sure it would also disturb my partner, too, if she were to find out..

so yeah..i'm very much at a crossroad at the moment. on one path there is a life with my grrl...and on the other, there is just me and wide open space - do wo with whatever i want...and i can honestly say that i have no idea which way to go.
over the last 12 months, my grrl and i have fought countless times...we've broken up, got back together, i've moved in and out and in again..and more recently, out...and i honestly have no idea if i even want to move back in...*sighs*..
my heart is telling me to do whatever i can to make it all work again...but my head is not as forgiving. although i am far from perfect and i have caused my fair share of trouble - i just dont know if i have enough left in me to go back for the same 'ol same 'ol again.
there was a time when my relationship with the grrl was an amazing rollercoaster full of ups, downs, twists and turns...but now....now we seem to be simply sitting on a merry-go-round. one that is more often than not not-so-merry..*sighs*

i do love her..

and i have had some fanfuckingtastic times with her...but i've also had some terribly hellish ones, as well..and lately i dont seem to have the energy for hassles and issues..maybe i am a quitter..(coz i certainly feel like one)...but i truely with all my heart believe that love isn't meant to be complicated.
using chop-sticks is complicated.
love is simple.
and although i dont really want to deal with another round of bullshit...i'm so completely terrified that i will leave and decide to move on, and have it be the biggest regret of my young life..

i read back through this diary..and it is so completely obvious that i have no idea what i really want...or rather, i have no clue how to find happiness with my grrl..i know we can be happy together - afterall, we achieved it for so long...and, we still do...but it's not constant. i mean, i probably sound like i expect too fucking much by wanting happiness 24/7...but that's not what i mean...i just wanna know that even if we do have an issue, that our love will prevail and we'll get past it and still crawl into bed together at the end of the day. lately...we fight and i leave and she doesn't even attempt to stop me - and that doesn't feel like it's a very healthy way to be...

anyway, i've come to the conclusion that i could fill volumes on this topic, and still be no closer to solution - so i'm going to have a spa...shave my legs...and get ready for my night out with my mates tonite..

starting music: 'do what you have to do' - sarah mclachlan

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