d'oh! damn that squirrelx!! each time i click on a cool-lookin link, it takes me to the sams damn diary!! *grrr*..

anyway..

i have just come from visiting linnie (and a sick mate) out at the hospital..i went to her place earlier on today, but she was on her way to work..so i thought while i was out there visiting my mate, i'd catch up with her, too..

linnie is a great friend..and i truely believe that everyone needs a miss linda in their life..she is such a well of (objective) wisdom..and she's the first place i turn to when my heart and my head decide to play tug-o-war..

linda knows me better than most people...in fact, some times i think she knows me better than i know myself. normally i would hate knowing that someone existed who knew that much about me...but with linda, it's refreshing. because i don't ever have to talk...she can read my eyes and body language..and even if i am talking, she can see the truth through bullshit. sometimes it is frustrating because i can not hide things from her...but mostly it is good...she's also normally fairly open and honest with me, and tells me what she thinks. but on the subject of sam and i, she merely smiles and assures me i will do the right thing. i know that linda is extremel protective of me...and she doesn't like seeing me upset or hurt...and i guess if i were in her shoes i wouldn't like sam and i as a couple very much either...but who knows..

so i started this entry at 9:27p.m..and it's now 1:40a.m and there is nothing but danoz shit on tv so i will continue to write in here instead...
fuck....what a long nite...
i've spoken to the grrl a few times today/tonite...and thought about her and our life together lots..
i love her and do not want to lose her..
yes, she shits me to tears and there are times when i'd love nothing more than to slap her upside the head - but i'd be worried if everything was peechy-keen 100% of the time...not that i love hassles and isses...but i willl admit that they remind me what i want out of life..
so the grrl..
i'd be lying if everyone i knew believed that sam and i belong together. in fact, with the exception of a select handful, most people think we should save each other the pain and just end it.
thankfully, i do now listen to *most people*...and instead, i prefer to follow my heart..
yes, there have been times when my heart has yelled out loud to "run toto, run"..but i can't..well...at least not any further than mum's house.
my mum told me today i will go back..and even thought i know i will head straight back to sam as soon as time permits, i felt happy knowing that my mother knew it, too..

sometimes sam and i fight like cat and dog...but fuck me if it's not obvious all the way through it that we're in love and can't be without each other..

skank messaged me before...on MSN...totally out of the blue. through all my shit with sam over the last few months, and all the arguments about skank, i have never deleted her from my lists. sure, she's been on block a few times (as i have been on her list), but i've never simply removed her...and i dont know why.

so tonite, we chatted....civily...for the first time in a long time. despite my total distrust and dislike of the skank...i know that she is one person that loves the grrl as much as i do. and that she's also someone who holds the grrl's best interest very close to her heart. and while in the past the thought of that has terrified me...now i see that 2 hands are better than one. not that i've change my thoughts on her skank-status...i now think think that demanding the grrl choose between the skank and i may have been a little rash..
sure...the grrl did a sneaky and went out and saw skank without telling me...but maybe that points out how she needed soemthing from skank that i just couldn't give. nothing sexual or affectionate..rather, skank has the luxury of understanding a side of the grrl that i simply do not get..
i dunno...
i fucking can't stand skank...but....i have no right to keep her out of the grrl's life...afterall, it would be like the grrl demanding that i remove linnie from mine...so yeh...

i've been doing lots of thinking over the last few hours...and i'm too tired to write any more now...other than, i think it's time to seriously sit down with my woman so that we can discuss what it is we want from each other and out of a life together..



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