sometimes couples get so far off track, that by the end of it, even they dont recognise themselves..
i have been thinking alot about sam and i lately, and we are so far from where we started that it's almost scary. actually, it is scary..
who am i?
who is she?
what in god's name have we become??

i know i am a cunt..and normally i am the first to admit it, but yesterday she was just disgusting. her behaviour, was reprehensible..and even if i wanted to, i dont know how i would undo the embarassment (and probable disgust) that she caused us all to feel..

i know that sometimes she does not think before acting..and i accept that...but yesterday she just took a bad situation and allowed it to snowball...she knew i could not drive...she knew i needed my school work...she knew, she knew, she knew...and yet she still felt the right to act high and mighty like a 4 year old on a power trip.
this morning, from her sms's, i think she regrets how she acted...but what can i do??

swallow my pride and go back again...
wait for it to happen again
backstep and explain to everyone how it was really me who was at fault..
because i do that..
i often turn all the shit around and make myself look like the bad guy so that they wont hold any awful thoughts against sam...

but truely...if i had a dollar for ever time a friend or friend-of-a-friend had asked me why i got back with/stay with sam, my god, i'd have a few extra hundred dollars in my savings account, that's for sure.
the only problem is that my real friends, the ones who know me almost as good as i know myself, they know the truth..they know me well enough to know that, while i am a lil cunt, i put up with more than most people and i have a tendency to backstep to make everything all right again..

the other nite when i went out to the glassy with alison, rach and amy...so many people thought that one of them was my partner...actually, some people think that alison is my girlfriend because of how often we're seen out together..but then i explain to them "no, my girlfriend is at home/work/wherever" because she has no time to come out and do couply things with me..and sometimes that saddens me. it saddens me that i am not good enough for her to have a proper relationship with. why, even the other day a work colleague of hers called and she was in the shower so i had her call him back. i dont know what he asked (but i assume it was along the lines of "who was that") because her response was "oh that was just a friend"..
a friend?
a friend?
i dont want to be a fucking friend..
i want to be a totally adored and lusted after partner that she can't bear being more than 3 feet away from..
there was a time when i HATED being anywhere that was away from sam...so much so, that no matter where i was my time was flattened by the fact that she was not there to enjoy it with me..and i would pine and count down every fucking minute until i was home with her again..but that time was long ago..because over time, i somehow became desensitized into her way of thinking..that we are 2 different people with 2 different lives that always have 2 different things to do.
i dont think she ever shared my enthusiasm or love of the relationship..and i accepted that because linda once told me that there is aways one partner that loves too much (and that that poor sucker is me)...so i never expected her to pounce around the house like a giddy puppy dog like how i did...i never expected her to walk in the door after a long day at work and shower me with affection..

but i did expect her to respect me and our relationship...and to sometimes put aside petty differences in opinion if that's what it needed to make it easier for us.

i really do believe in bending over backwards to do things for your partner...if that's what needs to be done.

yesterday, i didn't expect sam to be all happy-as-larry nice with mum...but i didn't expect the lil performance that she gave, either..
and i dont know what she expected me to do (other than leave)..but i certainly didn't see her giving me any indication that she wanted me to stay..

i've had a good run with partners...sure, some of them have been as mad as rattlesnakes, but i've always known where i stood with them. that luxury has been long gone with sam..long gone..especially since july - every day (no matter how lovly or enjoyable) has always been a case of just waiting for the other shoe to drop..and for me to be out on my ass..
and i dont want that.
nor do i deserve it.
i'm no fucking wonderful girlfriend sent from heaven...but i'm not a total monster, either...in fact, i think sam's had it prettty good (for the most part)...i don't lie..cheat (hey - i was single when i slept with that chick)..drink or do drugs...hit her...abuse her...or any of that stuff...sure, i can be demanding - but i just have high expectations of what i think a relationship should be..

i dunno..
it's all fucked really..

i'm so angry at her, and i think i just need to vent. or slap her. either way i'm sure it'll relieve some frustration.

there are times when sam is the most wonderful person in my world..times when she's so amazing that i want to cry because i'm so happy...but...it's unfortunate that those times are always washed away by the times when she's an evil asshole from hell..
i do love her..
and i dont want to be without her..
but i just want so much from a partner..
it's been almost 2 years...2 years and she's still telling people i am "just a friend"...

i do want a lot..
and i'm not too scared to go in search of it.

ending music: 'mutual' (acoustic version) - imogen heap.

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