starting music: 'living room' - tegan and sara

ok, before i say anything else, it must be said that i love this song...i do...it's been in my head since i heard it live...and i've been listening to it repeat in my car...and even singing it to myself in the shower...i am o-b-s-e-s-s-e-d..

now that that's out of the way, let's get down to business...

so every now and then, when i'm beginning to feel some confusing or personal issue pop up in my head, i go out and either get pierced or tattooed...i dunno, there's something about a distracting pain that i find soothing..
the last time i got pierced was back in february (my conch)..it was around the same time the grrl and i were working through our last break-up (after i went to sydney with alison)...and the time before that, it was my trague piercing after dad died...anywyay, the point i'm trying to make is that, every now and then when i'm in a certain kinda mood i go out and either get a new hole punched, or or a new picture drawn.
thankfully, i stopped getting tattooes and opted for easily-removed-or-covered up piercings..
and tonite, i went out and got a new one..piercing that is..
i was bored, so i drove into town to visit linnie...while i was there i commented how i felt like going out and getting pierced, and linnie offered to do it for me. seeings as i had all the equipment handy in my car (yes, i drive around with all the necessary shit in a box on under my passenger seat - just in case), she decided to do it there and then..
but because i was a lil bit apprehensive about it (1 - what would sam think, and 2 - ouch,it's gonna hurt) i told demanded that she use lignocaine..afterall, i'm a wuss..
so after what seemed like forever, we were all clean and sterile and ready to be pierced. thankfully the lignocaine worked and took that intitial sharp-opject-being-thrust-through-cartilage feeling away..and all we had left to do was get the jewellery through. only, the piece i had with me wasn't long enough...so i took out a tongue ring (lucky i have 2)...boiled it up and cleaned it, and linnie tried putting that through..but it was the wrong size d'oh!..
so back out to churchill i drove, with a jeclo still in my ear keeping the hole open, until i could rummage around my room and find a suitably sized bar to put in...and damn was it an adventure..
but it's all clean and done now..the bars in and the jelco's out..and now i have that familar freshly-jabbeb throb radiating throughout my ear..
aaahhhh...the distraction...

the weird thing is..i dont really know what i want a distraction from...
sam and i are back together...things here at home are good...and uni is almost over (and assignments are nearly complete)...clinicals start on monday (which i'm looking forward to)...and everything really does look rosey for me...but part of me thinks that all this is the calm before the storm...
although i've tried ignoring and repressing and pushing it deep down inside, i can't help be feel bad vibes about the grrl and i...i dunno...maybe i'm tired...maybe i'm paranoid...maybe, maybe, maybe...but truely..i can't help but feel that something bad is in store for us..and that maybe i should just quit while i'm ahead..
and the scariest thing about it all is that the grrl and i have had a really enjoyable 2 weeks (since we got back together) - and i really have no reason to be having these bad thoughts...

i dunno..

maybe i just need sex!!!
yes yes yes...sex is the cureall..
and maybe until the grrl and i cross that bridge again, i'm going to keep feeling uneasy..
oh hell, i really dont know anymore..
i honestly know nothing other than i love her..everything else i used to think and feel about her and us and our relationship is gone...gone with the rug that she pulled out from under me last month..*sighs*..
it's all quite fucked really (as i'm sure you can tell by my insessant rambling)..

anyway..

i have been sitting here looking at my ICQ list, and the skank is online..she's also on gaydar and msn..and all of her status messages have some reference to her being sad...part of me feels sorry for her, and wants to make a truce so that her and the grrl can be friends..but part of me just thinks "die, whore die"...admittedly - the the part of me that is thinking the latter thoughts is not the part that i listen to very much. but it's still there..
yes, i fucking hate skank with every part of my being (ok...so only most parts)...but there is a humanitarian in me somewhere that is genuinely concerned for her well being..

ok, so now i know my head's really fucked up..

so i'm gonna take my sore ear and mosey on to bed..
pog has a football presentation thing in the morning, and the least i can do for him is be conscious enough to attend it..

starting music: 'living room' - tegan and sara


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