it amazes me how 2 totally different people..from 2 different sides of the world can live such parallel lives...i read her diary, and it reads like mine...and she has commented, how at times, reading about my day sounds like hers..

it's bizarre..

well it's been a lil while since i've updated last..and so much has happened...my thoughts at the moment are all over the place, but i will try to go chronologically..


well as y'all know i headed back to melbourne last week to see the grrl because she wanted to see me.
it was good for a day..then on the second day we fought. it was a doozie..and it stemmed from nothing. well..kinda nothing..i got shitty because i felt she was being childish and selfish..and she thought i was over-reacting. and it snowballed. we fought, screamed, cried...she told me that she didn't not want me in her life..that i could give her nothing else...i told her i would not give up.
i was pathetic..
i sobbed and broke down like i NEVER have in my life. and i frightened myself.
i truely was not dannii.
for an hour, i knew how it felt to be a pathetic, sad, depressed, heart-broken mess..

i knew then, that she had all the power. and that it would never change..
but i stayed..
i stayed not to make it work..but rather, to make sure it would not work.
to know.
i wanted my closure..and i got it.

the following day (on the friday) i spent a lot of time by myself. i went driving, and did a lot of thinking..
"why am i here?"
and i could not for the life of me think of a suitable answer.
yes, i love her..
but no, we are not going anywhere.
She wants to keep me caged..and i want her to be free. between us both, there was no where to go.
so i sms'd her, and pretty much said "i finally understand. i am letting go now"..
i honestly think she was shocked.
i dont think she ever though i would give in. because when i love you, i love you..and will try to move heaven and earth to make it work. i am also faultlessly loyal..
but, i also know when things aren't working..

so that night, we went out to the glassy..i had arranged to meet a chick that i'd been emailing for the last year (she's a nursing student at one of the other monash campus's)..so i thought the grrl and i should make the most of a night out. and w had fun like we hadn't had for a long time. we laughed..drank...played pool..it was wonderful.

then the person showed up..
and i was blown away.
it's been a long time since i've met someone with a personality like my own..in fact, the last person i ever hit it off quite like that with is kater..and that was 4 years ago. so to meet someone that i *connect* with, is a big thing..

i don't know how sam felt about it, but she left..she may have been tired..or bored..or jealous - i honestly don't know..but she left me there. and for the first time in a few years, i was on my own two feet, and making decisions that would only affect ME..and it felt awsome.
i had forgotten what it was like to be my own person..do my own stuff..live my life, my way..
i had an awsome night..

i don't really want to go into details here..but it was good..fantastic..
and it ended way too soon..so 10 hours after we met..and on about 30minutes sleep..she went off to work and i headed back to sam's to wrap up everything that needed wrapping.

it was weird..

it went well, though...there was no yelling, arguing or crying..and i felt so terribly strong.
i'm not sure, but i think she was hurting..i couldn't really tell, because she's good at keeping stuff to herself.
we we said our goodbye's and i drove back to mums.
it was rainbow room nite last nite, so i really wanted to head out with kater and ant and linnie..it's been so long since i've seen them all..and it was great...
until about 11, when sam's skanky little fuck of an ex called me and told me "sam's been in a car accident. her car's fucked. but she's ok"..
and my heart almost fell out of my ass..
turns out she is ok, though..just a few cuts nd bruises and very shaken up.
i was so scared, though..
because despite all our shit, i'd never wish any harm on her. she's still my grrl..
well..
she'll always be "the grrl"..and i'll always love her..
but i've moved on, ya know??

there is only so much one person can tolerate - and i reached my limit a while back. only i was too scared to leave.

yesterday, while driving from sam's to mums i was so distracted..
i couldn't figure out why i felt so bizarre and couldn't concentrate. but then it hit me..
it's over..
i have my closure...
i'm happy..

*smiling*..

i'm heading back to melbourne on tuesday..to meet up with the other chick. all weekend i've been concerned that i'm jumping into something to fast and too soon. but i'm not jumping..not into anything. i want to get to know her better, she wants to get to know me, and we enjoy each other's company. and after the last few months it's quite nice to have



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