i was just walking home from kate and ants...in the freezing cold...rushing and huffing and puffing...and she called me..

not out of the goodness of her heart, or because she wanted to hear my voice..but because i had previously suggested that she should - so that we could work some stuff out..

only, when i saw it was her, i had a mild kind of panic attack, and lost most of the ability to speak. luckily i regained what little composure i had, and i remained cool, calm, and kinda collected..i also made the call short but sweet - because i really have no desire for long, uncomfortable silences, or dealing with insincere bullshit...

i told her i would be down on wednesday, and i'd stick around if she wanted to arrange for telstra to come over and fix the phone.
on friday, she said something that hurt, so i threw the phone across the room...only it was plugged into the wall...and i broke it. good and proper..
i was so freaked out she'd think i intentionally busted her phone..but i didn't. i intentionally threw it..the breaking part was an accident.
but i did it, so i will pay for repairs and what not..
so yeah..

part of me wishes we had talked longer..
her voice..for all it's coldness at the moment..still sounded wonderful..
ack..*shaking my head*..but i don't want to think about that anymore..

i will admit, though..i want to call her back..
i have so many questions that i want to know the answer to..but i don't want the hurt that will come along with some of the answers..
mostly, though, i want to know what i did so wrong to make her so cold and uncaring against me.
sure, i can be a little cunt. i've told everyone that a million times..and sure, i'm not the easiest partner to have..
but i loved her..and i always let her know that.
without a doubt..
so why was it so easy for her to just give in and let me go??
why was it so hard for her to accept my silly little insecurity, and tell me that i was the one she loved..
*shrugs*

why did i not listen to all the people who warned me against her..
why did i not see i was wasting my effort, and my time??

why..after the last few weeks am i even bothering..

i'm glad that i'm back in churchill..
being with linda and kater and ant and everyone, has really taken my thoughts off of melbourne.
my bedroom is a mess, though...it's just insane. i have books, cd's, stuffed toys and hair products everywhere...it's just nuts. i have classes from 9-5 tomorrow and tuesday..and i'm heading straight back to melbourne (to go to smellison's) on tuesday night..and probably wont be back up here until thursday - so god only knows when i'll get a chance to clean it. i hate mess, though...it really fucks up my concentration..

mmm..
i'm tempted to call her back, ya know..if nothing than to just antagonise her..i don't know what it is in my personality that makes me want to do such things...but it's a really strong urge. i think if i can't have her love me, then i want her to hate me. it's like i don't believe in a middle ground. part of me also just wants to hear that voice that i normally associate with feeling better. only, this time she can't make me feel better, because she's the one responsible for making me feel bad.
everyone that i've told about this breakup has assured me that it's the best thing i could have done..which is funny, considering i'm not really feeling that at all. yes, my brain tells me i've done the right thing...but it's just taking a little while for the rest of me to catch up..
i
need to stop thinking about her. i need to delete all of her sms's...all of her emails...take down all of her photos...and hide all of her cards and gifts.

yeah..

much easier said than done.


but tomorrow's the beginning of a new week...and i can only hope that all kinds of weird and wonderful things are in store...woohooo...

i can only hope..





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