sometimes i think the grrl and i are doomed...well..not *Doomed* as such...but it seems that just when all the ripples in the pond have gone..one of us throws a stone in and makes it bad again..*sighs*..

i got up early this morning and came online so that i could email her before i headed off to melbourne for the day...but right at the end i had to say something to mess it all up..

when she asked me why i wasn't rushing home to see her, i sulkingly replied "well why should i rush home if you're gonna go out tonite without me anyway?" - even after i promised myself that i wouldn't let it get to me..

but i did..
i shouldn't have said that to her the way i did. and what was even more unfair, was that as soon as i sent it, i left the house knowing that i would not only not get her reply for a few hours, but that i wouldn't be able to reply to her reply, anyway. so to cut a long story short (too late, i know), the grrl was paranoid because i hadn't replied to her emails or SMS's...

so now...for the entire day, the poor grrl has had to think the worst..and that i was totally hurt and pissed off about not getting an invite...and everything has kinda snowballed much worse than it originally was..

sure, i didn't get an invite..sure, that kinda hurt my feelings..and sure, i should have spoken up, stomped my feet and screamed "i wanna come out and play with you godddamnit!*$#@&%"
but i didn't..
and i never do..
and i probably never will..

i know i've got to talk to her more.
i know that is my problem..and i'll admit it..but i just cant seem to do anything about it.
and i find it especially hard to say "baby, i'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment and i really think it'd be good for me if you wrapped me up in cotton wool and helped me get over all of my pathetic insecurities"..but i can't seem to say that..
i think that i can't seem to say that because it sounds silly and pathetic. and i dont want to sound silly and pathetic. even though i know that afterwards when i do eventually blow a gasket and tell her what's bugging me i end up sounding even more silly and pathetic than i would have had i just opened up in the first place..*taking a deep breath*..

a friend of mine reads this diary..she reads my other diary..she chats to me and hears me whinge, rant and rave...and she tells me that i need to communicate with my grrl more..
she tells me that i need to make a change and communicate more, otherwise *and i quote* "otherwise you'll end up in a rotten relationship"..and that's so true.
all in all, the grrl and i have a pretty wonderful relationship (compared to many)..we don't have many issues...and we don't really have major fights...just lots and lots of little ones that sometimes get out of hand, but for the most part they keep us on our toes.
i'm lucky..because not only do i love my grrl, but i know she loves me. i know she wants to be with me. and i know she doesn't want anyone other than me. i know this because she not only tells me this..but because she puts up with my shit and stays with me.
she doesn't pack up and leave.

to be totally honest...i'm feeling pretty bloody insecure at the moment...and i dont have any reason why. i know my relationship is secure ..and that neither sam or i are going anywhere...but i just feel really unstable at the moment. it's not because of anything the grrl has done, or anything like that..
these feelings are definately coming from deep withhin me...

i just wish i knew why...and how to kill them off...



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