i swear, it feels like have been travelling for days ..

*falling down in a heap*

i walked out of the grrls house just before 2pm, and didn't sit down at my computer desk here at mum's until just after 8.
fuck it's a long trip..

but i'm here now..which is nice...because now i can sit back and relax.

so junkie sister was at the train station waiting for me when i arrived, which was an unusual surprise, and she actually looked pretty clean. she has some new boyfriend that she dragged down here to show off to her family..which is also unusual for her, as she normally prefers not to subject them to mum's police-style interrogation skills. but i hear that this fella held his own and even impressed mum...so maybe it is some kind of new beginning for my sister.
while sis was here, i was talking to mum about her plans for mothers day next sunday, and i invited sis along too. at first she seems surprised that she'd been invited to a family dinner (coz it's been a while) but she said she'd get back to me. i don't expect her to come along, but at least she can't say she wasn't asked..

so yeah..

i called the grrl before. we didn't talk much, but i basically wanted to ask her how long she'd be online so that i could connect. she sounded as if she'd been crying, but she told me it was just coz she was tired and sleepy..
sometimes, i just wanna slap her for being such a cunt. but others, i just wanna scoop her up in my arms and hold her tight and make everything perfect for her.
she irritates, infuriates, antagonises, patronises and just plain pisses the hell out of me more than anyone else on the face of the planet.
but she's my grrl and i love her..
i just wish she didn't piss me off to the point where i could actually pack up my things and leave. coz i get close to that point. every now and then.
and today was one of those times..

while i was waiting for my train...i sent her a few sms's. they were kinda cold. not nasty, just emotionless - which is probably worse than cold, because i know how much a lack of emotion gets to her. i told her how she hurt and pissed me off, and she repeatedly apologised. but i wanted more, goddamnit..i wanted to know she felt as bad as i did, but i didn't want to have to push her to make her feel that way.
she knows she was a cunt to me..which is good because normally she doesn't see or understand why i get upset or hurt. i just wish she wouldn't push me the way she does.
i know it's normal to fight...and we all have our little tiffs...but today, today was just nasty and uncalled for. and to make it so much worse, it totally came out of nowhere.
one minute we were snuggled up watching tv and being all lovey dovey, and the next i was packing my bags and heading for the door.
and that's what i hate..
that instability..
that unpredicatbility..

i used to say and think that sam was the most stable of my partners...the one where i've never sat around waiting for the other shoe to drop..
but the more silly fights we have like this, the less i feel so stable. and that scares me..because i tend to run from instability...as to not get caught with the rug being pulled from under my feet...
i'm bad like that..
it's like i automatically run away from something that i think will eventually hurt me, so that i wont end up being heart broken in the long run..

but yeah..

so i dunno what's gonna happen...if the grrl and i will talk about today...or if we'll ignore it and sweep it under the carpet...or what we'll do. i also don't know how long i'll be staying up here. i really do have some work to do, and i probably could take advantage of being so close to uni and the library...but i know i'll want to go back to her tomorrow - but i wont. coz i'm a stubborn fucker. also, she's got plans and going out on wednesday nite, and i wasn't invited so i know i wont be going back to wait around for her in an empty house..so yeah...looks like i definately wont be heading back until the end of the week..

i'm so fucking sick of all the travelling...really i am...i long for the day where i never have to get on a bus or a train again...



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