god i went to bed way tooo early last nite, an was just woken up by the most horrific nitemare about linda and janine.
so it's only just after midnite, which meant i couldn't have gotten more than 3 hours sleep, but here i am ready to start a new day - when my old day has really only just ended.
i don't normally dream of linda...in fact, i only ever do if (1) i'm angry or hurt with her, or (2) if something really is wrong. god i hope nothing's wrong. i just sms'd her, but i'm sure she's very busy somewhere else with her grrl. afterall, it's tuesday nite...and tuesdays mean it's her nite out.
i just hope everythings ok.
i had lunch with the old grrl today (i can call her that, coz she's only a handfulla days from the big four-oh) and it was good to catch up. i never do enough of that with her..never have, probably never will. things with her and janine are going well, which is good to hear. coz not only does it mean linda's happy, but it means she's over the fuckmongrel - something i had feared would not happen easily..and i'm glad it has..
i'm also glad that linda and i have turned into the kind of friends we have. the last two years for us has been pretty up and down, and we've somehow managed to look past what everyone else thinks of us, and be the friends that we should have been long ago and in the first place. but i do understand how it is hard for ex's to be friends, so i guess we're lucky - we almost didn't make it. and if she wasn't such a good friend, she probably wouldn't have been so nice about me not going away with them all for her birthday over the australia day weekend. i'd love to go, but..well..errr...i got another offer for that weekend. besides, i started feeling *wEirD* about being the ex and tagging along. not that i'm ever thought of as the ex *chuckle*, i'm just dannii, ya know???
but yeah..i was feeling weird.
i was loooking forward to sam and i spending a weekend with linda and janine, coz i thought it'd be good for us all to hang out as friends...but maybe next time. i'm pretty bummed tho that no bastard organised some other kinda party for linda other than going away for the weekend. for the last year that we were together, kate and ren and i organised a little something for her birthday that year..and i can't believe ren didn't do something this year..but i'm getting the vibe that there's some kinda trouble there..well, maybe trouble is too strong a word - but there's definately an issue. still, doesn't mean they had to not plan something for her. i would have, had i known. afterall, you only turn norty forty once. oh well...looks like i'll have to wait for her 50th.
speaking of milestone ages...i'm almost 25...OMG...25...that's way too old for me. i mean, hello, i'm way too selfish and irresponsible (and unemployed) to be turning so old...i'm having serious issues with it..really...

but who cares, coz i am going to sydney soon! *yay* i just love road trips...only hope no one gets sick or dies while i'm on this one.
speaking of that..i can't believe today/yesterday was 6 months since dad died. 6 months...seems so long ago...but not very long at all in the big scheme of things...
anyway..
sydney. i love sydney, and i love road trips, and i'm really looking forward to just going. i need a change of scenery desperately. i dont know if sam will come..she probably wont..but part of me would like her to. we have just been bickering so much lately..*shaking my head*..well actually, no, that's not true..it's really just been for today. but if that's going to happen each time i leave her to come down here, then i dont know if i can deal with it. it's so fucking exhausting.
we pretty much fought non-stop (via email, of course) all day today..to exhausting..way toooooo exhausting.
i don't want exhausting anymore...not at all...i know i've said it before, but i'm just not going to deal with it. and this year at uni is going to be sooo full on, that i really wont be able to have other distractions.
she told me today that thesedays i only ever seem to have time for robert and mum - which is such a complete load of bullshit. personally, i think she only notices when i'm not paying her any attention, rather than when i do.
mmmmmm...
i think something will come along soon and either make or break us...and that frightens me a lot...
i read something tonite...it's some wish list i didn't write, but i quite easily could have..coz it's so totally what i want (well, very close)

"I want somebody to sleep naked with the rest of my life, and cuddle up during a movie, on a couch. Stay up all night talking about nothing. Get lost in the woods together. Challenge me, challenge her. Talk about dreams, make dreams, make love in the candle light, in the truck, in the shower, in the woods while we're lost. Have fights, the kind that only really matter just as your having them. Someone I can wrestle with, ya know play hard sometimes, and not worry about breaking a nail, or an arm. A girl who will bring me flowers, once and a while, maybe a rock too, or a shell of some sort, something she saw that made her think of me, made her think, "this might make my girl smile." as she smiles to herself. A gal who wants me, maybe even needs me, just a little, enough anyway to hold onto me with everything she's got. She knows she can have just about anyone she wants, there's a line at the door when I get the paper, but she hardly even notices them, just laughs at the absurdity of it all as she falls into my arms at night. I'll tell her just exactly what I think, most of the time, and she'll tell me to sit up straight when we go out, I'll laugh and wrinkle up my nose, she'll beg me not to wear my old Hawaiian shirts. She'll learn from me, she'll change right in front of my eyes, as they bounce from gray, to blue to green, she'll dance with them, with me. Long into the night we'll rock and sway, as the smell of us swirls around us. She'll have a cool leather jacket, so will I. She'll read to me. She'll leave me notes. She'll forgive me, cause I'll mess up, I'll forgive her too. She'll try to get me to like beer, it'll never happen. When we go out and she gets those looks, I'll be jealous, she'll think it's funny. We'll respect each other, we'll be honest and loyal. I'll trust her with my heart, not a wall in sight, she'll feel that freedom, she'll play in it, it'll make her young. We'll have a garden, with lettuce, and carrots, and tomatoes, my protests will be fruitless. We'll hug everyday. She'll be beautiful, I won't let her forget it. She'll organize a surprise party for me, I'll be really surprised. I'll brag about her. She'll touch my face more than any other part of my body, when we're away from each other, that's what I'll miss the most. I'll tell her that, she'll smile. She'll smile when she thinks of me, she'll laugh out loud. She'll put up with my belting out of me first and the gimme gimme's in the car, she'll think it's cute, for a while. She'll wink at me, I'll love that. She'll drive. We'll subscribe to a lot of magazines, we'll read 'em in the sun. I'll fix things, She'll cook. She'll have a picture of me at work, she'll even talk to it sometimes, as if I have the answers, and maybe I am the answer. She'll grab my hand when we go out, at first it'll make me nervous, but then it becomes so commonplace I don't even notice. She'll appreciate that, but she'll never tell me so, it's OK, I already know. We'll look at each other, gaze really, exploring from eyes to eyes, soul to soul. She'll hate country. Damn it. I won't be able to get enough of her. The way she'll make me feel inside, in her presence. She'll listen. She'll buy hiking boots for my birthday, for herself. Cool. We'll watch each others favorite movies, she'll like some of mine, I'll like all of hers. I'll cry for no reason, and she'll hold be till long after I've stopped. We'll argue over money, I'll hate every second of it. She'll laugh at most of my jokes, she'll tickle me way too much. She'll describe me as charming, funny, laid back, her best friend. We'll drive to nowhere, and we'll both know when we get there. She'll buy me a ring, I'll never take it off. We'll kiss for hours, cuddle all day, nap together. She'll have a dry sense of humor that I won't be able to get enough of. She'll remind me I'm alive everyday, just by the feeling I get, the way my heart speeds up, when I wake up, and there she is, with me of all people."...

and i gotta wonder if that really is asking too much? coz i used to have all that (if not more) - and now i want it back. back, Back, BACK BACK goddamnitohell!!!!!!!!!! *feeling very frustrated*

anyway, there is some guy here curled up on our couch, and i think i mite be keeping him awake..i'm sure i'll have more to write tomorrow..



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