...so this is christmas??..

well, lets just hope it's not going to be as bad as i've been worrying about over the last weeek or so..

yesterday morning, kater drove down here from melbourne, and we went on a day trip up to shep so that she could drop a computer off for her mum...it was a good day, but next time someone please remind me not to bring pog along for a 5 hour drive?!!

anyway, kater and i were gonna pitch a tent somewhere out near geelong, but instead we came back here, got the grrlie, and headed into the city for marie wilson's christmas eve gig..it was a good nite, but nothing really felt like christmas. and even now, 9am on christmas morning, it still just feels like an ordinary day.

this morning the grrlies mum called while the grrl was in the shower, and she wished me a marry christmas...it would have been nice to have spent christmas day with them, especially seeings as i was invited, but my other commitments would have made that impossible. so instead kater and i are heading off to yolanda's, and we're going to have lunch with my family, then hopefully head back to churchill as fast as we can. i had thought about coming back here to the grrlie, but i'm just craving some familiarity right now, and i wanna be home. i know no one's going to be there, and maybe that's why i wanna go..

i'll probably spend some time at kates with linda and the kids, but then i'll head home. i'm secretly hoping that the grrl will come down and we'll spend a day or two together before she heads back to work, but i doubt that'll happen.

i feel so bad right now about everything that's going on (or rather, not going on) between sam and i..and while i do feel i need to spend some time alone, i also know i'm going to miss her and wish i here with her..

last nite was so strange...we were standing there, listening to and watching marie sing, surrounded by couples, yet we still stood about as far away from each other as we could. it wasn't until the last 10-15minutes of the set that i even went near her..and i was listening to these songs about longing and love, and watching the other dykes around me holding on to the one they adore..and there i was, standing with my hands in my back pockets totally ignoring my grrl.

i told her the other nite i was saddened by the fact that our passion seems to have died out...and she told me "that happens to couples"...it probably does, but i dont want it to happen to me. i know i'm partly (if not mostly) to blame for it, i just wish one of us would make the first move and help bring our passion back.

there was a time, when there was so much electricity between sam and i that it was frightening..absolutely incredible..and now, now she'll give me the occasional electric shock...and that's about it...

this is not a sex thing..it's not about me not *getting any*..it's about me feeling i no longer have the desire to even want any *sigh*..

i am an aquarian..we do not settle easily..and i know, that should i settle, i'll fall into a well of ambivalence that will really destroy my relationship, and possibly my friendship, with sam..
i know it's only been a few days since the grrl and i spoke about this..and i don't expect things to change over nite..but lately it seems like there's so much else going on that we dont have time to do anything about our relationship..
i had hoped that last nite would have been different..i mean, it was nice, and i enjoyed being out..but it just didn't feel *right*.

i'm beginning to obsess a lot lately over whether or not i really do expect too much of the grrl..like, do i deliberately make everything so difficult and out of reach, just to make things bad between us?? so that, maybe, she'll also feel as miserable as i do??
i know a lot of my unhappiness thesedays stems from dad's death..i know that, and i admit that...i just have no clue what to do about that..*shrug*..but i do know i need to change it..

anyway...it's christmas...

and i don't really feel like dwelling on negativity..
i'm gonna go have a shower, wake kater upp, pack my things and start my christmas day..



0 comment so far..