god i can't believe it's only 10o clock..
normally i don't go to bed until about 1 or 2..but todays been such a long, stressful day and i'm absolutely fucking exhausted.

i'm heading back to melbourne tomorrow..and i have absolutely no idea what that trip will bring..none at all..i don't wanna lose the grrl - but i'm not preparred to fight anymore. i am horrified by the thought of hating someone that i love as much as i love sam. does that make sense?
i know that if things with her and i do end up staying this way, and we don't get back together - then we could never be friends. although i would love nothing more than being sam's friend, i know that she would want nothing at all to do with me..which is sad..and unfortunate..and such a waste..
i don't want to end it with her, i really dont...but at the moment, at this stage in our relationship, i don't know if we have anywhere else to go. there are some issues between us that..well..that i have no idea how to deal with at the moment..the biggest one that i am dealing with is our lack of sex and intimacy. i know, i know, i swore i would never ever use sex as a weapon again..but there's just nothing happening in that department at the moment..and i know that that is both our faults and neither of us knows how to synchronize it..but it's not just sex...it's the whole intimacy thing, too..fuck i love the grrl..and god, she makes me feel things that i've never ever EVER felt before..but these days, there's really not even any intimacy. sure, we cuddle and kiss...but at the risk of me sounding totally fucking selfish and unfair, i want more..but i'm also not very helpful in this department, because i don't go out of my way to seek more..
it's like i just hope into bed, and *pray* that something will happen, but when it doesn't, i don't speak up - rather, i just lay there sulking and eventually fall asleep never to say anything about it..
so yeah..it's hugely my fault - and i know that..
i've always had such huge fucking issues with sex...god have i ever...but for so long there with the grrl i thought that they were *finally* gone..but i guess i was wrong...and my issues, paired with the grrls issues, means that we're pretty much screwed (well...not literally)..
but as i said..it's not just sex..i miss the imtimacy...i miss being able to touch her and feel comfortable with it. these days i'm too scared to touch her, or lick her or bite her in case i end up wanting more, and then i'll feel rejected if it doesn't happen...and i fear nothing more then rejection, so i'd rather not do anything that will put me at risk for being rejected..make sense?
i dunno..people reading this are just gonna think that i'm pissy coz i'm not getting any..but it's more than that..
the grrl and i are just so different lately..we used to have this intense chemistry - like, clocks would stop ticking when we walked into the same room - but now..it's just not there. actually, it is there - because electricity like that doesn't just disappear...it's just hidden somewhere, deep and dark. but i have no fucking idea how to get it back...*sigh*.
i'm also at the point where, i really wouldn't know what to do even if the grrl did jump on me wanting sex...i really really really feel so unsure about myself thesedays (in that department)..which doesn't help me with the "why don't i just make the first move"..
*sighing*
god i must sound so pathetic...sitting here whinging and bitching about something, when i don't even make an attempt to do it myself..
i don't recall ever feeling this pathetic..and that's also another big part of my problem..
but i'm sure i'll whinge more about my problems tomorrow..for now, i need to sleep..my last nursing assessment is tomorrow and i wanna be ready for it.

0 comment so far..