what am i doing??
what in the fuck am i doing??
on and off for the last 3 weeks, i have been such a little asshole and made things awfully hard for the girl.

i have been mean, nasty, inconsiderate, and totally unreasonable. i have been starting fights with her and leaving her to think that *shes* the one with the problem, and that *shes* the one who can do no right. when that couldn't possibly be further from the truth.
i have been a horrid little fuck of a cunt..and i have no idea why..*banging my head against the table*..and i have no idea how to stop it.

i think lots of it has to do with uni and the moment, and exams and stuff..but still, that's no reason for me to make everything unbearably hard for her..no reason at all..and i know that, if i keep this shit up, i will push her away until she ends up hating me. and that is the last thing on the planet that i want.
over the last few weeks/months, i have slowly noticed little changes in my attitude and behaviour in general. i am more opinionated, much more ignorant, and less concerned with peoples feelings these days..i am very much self-centered, and i'm not enjoying it. and i'm certainly not enjoying the way it's affecting sam. here i have this amazingly wonderful and loving girlfriend, and i am having her believe that she is to blame for all the issues between us - when really, there aren't many issues, and for the ones that do exist, i am at fault.

last nite the grrl called me and asked me if i loved her. i answered yes, and that was pretty much it. but all nite it was eating at me as to why she would ask that. so i SMS'd her, and emailed her, and all day today wanted to know what was on her mind. it turned out she was only asking half-heartedly and rhetorically, but i got so paranoid and bent out of shape about her not telling me why, that we ended up almost in a fight..it is ridiculous..that i would take something as innocent as sam asking me if i loved her, and turn it into a reason to fight..and that is just so fucking ridiculous..*sigh*..

of all the people in my life, sam is the last one that i would ever want to push away...but maybe that's why i do it..maybe i know (or think) that it's ok because we love each other and she wont leave...but looking back, i am amazed that she hasn't...*sigh*..and i am glad that she hasn't. i really have no idea what i would do without sam in my life..and more importantly, by my side..

so yeah..hopefully this time next week after my exams have finished and my stress has died down, things will go back to normal with the grrl and i. especially with me..


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